Totally Truthful and Accurate Account of Syracuse's Football Practice: August 22, 2013

Under circumstances best described as "sociopathically insane," Syracuse closed access to football practice the other day. The powers that be -- Scott Shafer, Sue Edson, Doctor Gross -- all thought that they'd won the battle against information-dissemination, plugging all leaks. That wasn't the case -- noted investigative journalist and international superspy Hoya Suxa has his ear to the ground and eyes trained upon the Orange as they prepare for Penn State at MetLife Stadium. Here's his report -- full of valuable inside information (don't sell it to the Russians!) -- from today's practice.

There's no time to make these notes fancy. They're on to me; I can feel it. I actually wrote this piece on an encrypted computer while lying in the bathtub with the lights off, a towel draped over my head to avoid surveillance from those seeking to stop Syracuse football surveyors like myself. Let's get to it:

• It was a tough morning practice today. Adonis Ameen-Moore looked stout in goal line situations, trucking over a stegosaurus that Syracuse's Department of Genetic Engineering created specifically for Syracuse football practice. If you've never seen a stegosaurus attempt to make a stop against the Orange's "Tank" formation, let me tell you something important: Genetically-engineered stegosauruses aren't any good at football. The stegosaurus was later barbecued and Ameen-Moore didn't eat any vegetables with this genetically-engineered dinosaur.
• Charley Loeb winked at Scott Shafer and Shafer's heart immediately melted. Shafer then proceeded to make Loeb take a lap because Loeb made Shafer feel feelings.
• QUARTERBACK BATTLE UPDATE: George McDonald did not offer one of the quarterbacks on the roster for sacrifice. Syracuse's lottery is, potentially, kaput. This could have significant ramifications to the society as a whole. Its prosperity hangs in the balance.
• Prince-Tyson Gulley held a bake sale after practice. He's learning the value of a dollar and his parents are very proud of him.
• Macky MacPherson sawed off his own legs during an Oklahoma drill and proceeded to drub Jay Bromley over the head with them. MacPherson won the drill but is listed as day-to-day ("Lower Body -- Missing").
• RECRUITING ALERT: Idris Price still isn't enrolling at Syracuse.
• MISCELLANEOUS: Drew Allen's name has nine letters and is comprised of both first names and last names . . . Shafer threatened to hire George DeLeone if the offense didn't get its act together; everyone laughed and laughed and laughed but then Shafer showed the team his end of DeLeone's "portable phone" -- a Campbell's-Soup-can-tied-to-a-kite-string; everyone got serious after that and started working really hard . . . Quinta Funderburk turned into a sea lion! . . . Cameron Lynch hit Ashton Broyld so hard that Broyld was sent back in time to the year 2008; Broyld re-materialized in that former time and continued to drop passes.