Classic Hoya Suxa: A Day in the Life

Syracuse and Georgetown are going to play in hoopyball again, starting in the 2015-2016 season. To commemorate the rebirth of the rivalry, I'm unlocking a story or two from the Hoya Suxa vault. These words first appeared on February 4, 2011.

JOHN THOMPSON’S TO-DO LIST: FEBRUARY 4, 2011

• Wake up.
• Realize I’m "retired." Roll over and go back to sleep.
• Shut off alarm clock buzzer.
• Recite daily affirmation: "At least I’m not Craig Esherick."
• Shower, shave, pick out a hand towel for the day.
• Call Georgetown. Find out if I’m still not the head coach.
Update resume. Just in case.
Practice cursing.
"Shit." "Ass." "Shitass." Just some ideas.
Watch film.
Realize film study was a waste of time. The video camera on the house just isn’t focused enough on the front porch to see who’s stealing the paper.
• Open phonebook. Call people at random. Politely ask for their social security numbers and offer your social security number protection services. Claim that you’ll store them in your super protective safe.
• Answer phone. Tell cops it was just a joke. Assure them you know all about identity theft. Cite similarly named son at your old job as proof of your understanding.
• Therapist appointment. Strenuously argue when the doctor says that "Hoya Paranoia" isn’t a real affliction.
Eat some oranges for lunch. Remember that you hate oranges.
• Hunt, kill, and eat a bulldog instead. Remember that this is probably illegal.
• Eat the evidence.
• Call son. Ask to talk to the head coach. When he says, "Speaking," demand to talk to his supervisor. Smugly grin as he transfers you to your voicemail.
• Wonder what voicemail is.
• Forward funny e-mail to ex-wife. You know, the e-mail with the picture of the kitten hanging from a tree limb with "Hang in there!" inscribed on the image. Hope this makes up for decades-long loveless marriage.
• Send angry-gram to Craig Esherick. Make sure to ask for the extra-angry package.
• Head down to the woodshop. Wonder why son can’t do this himself. Hell, he’s the one that still wants to be a Pinewood Derby champion.
• Send letter to Nobel Foundation. Nominate self for prize in "Achievements in Basketball and Hand Towel Maintenance."
• Tentatively add honor to updated resume.
• Rename dinner "Business Time."
• Get down to business.
• Confirm that sweatpants and stained "1988 Bronze Medalist" t-shirt qualifies as "business casual" attire.
• Head to the park to feed the pigeons. Accost the pigeons that aren’t eating the seeds fast enough. Call it motivation.
• Wonder if there’s an opening anywhere for a pigeon coach.
• Pull out binoculars to check on the lady next door.
• When police come, tell them it’s "scouting," not "violating a restraining order."
• Get white-out. Apply to title of this list and rename it "JOHN THOMPSON’S TO-DO LIST: FEBRUARY 5, 2011."
Sleep.