Hoya Suxa Presents: Some Very Funny Stories Hoyas Tell

". . . and this one time I was playing in the sandbox with my trucks and this guy Craig comes over and kicks dirt at me and I started to cry a little bit and he called me a wussy but then I accidentally hurt my finger on a truck and it hurt really bad and Craig asked if I was going to run home and cry to Mom and then Dad came over and made me the pretend head coach of his basketball team."

"So I looked him right in the eye -- I swear to God! -- and I said to him, point blank, 'You'll never make it anywhere with that kind of attitude.' Do you know what he said to me? Do you? He said, 'I'm resigning as the administrator of your trust fund.' What a loser. So I threw my brandy snifter at his face and let him bleed out on the floor of the study for a while. Worst father ever."

"A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a diner. They're very poor and don't understand credit default swaps."

"Capital loss carryforwards: The net amount of capital losses that aren't deductible for the current tax year but can be carried over into future tax years. Net capital losses (total capital losses minus total capital gains) can only be deducted up to a maximum of $3,000 in a given tax year. Any amounts exceeding $3,000 can be put toward offsetting capital gains in the current year or simply deducted in the next year(s)."

"I remember my first beer. It was a strawberry wine cooler, tasted like summertime. Best Securities and Exchange Commission investigation ever."

"I am now the proud owner of 75 percent of MySpace."

"There this contest, right? Like a radio contest. No, wait. It was a lottery. Was it? No, it wasn't a lottery. It was a contest, but not a radio contest. I never remember how this joke goes. Like, it was one of those boardwalk games of skill. So, it was like a contest. Anyway. Hold on. What was it again? It wasn't a contest after all. It was a race. Yeah, that's it. It was a race. But not that tortoise and the hare fable. No, you're not paying attention. This is the joke: There's this race, and then . . . hold on a second. Let me think for a second. [mumbling] There's this race . . . and then something happens . . . 'slower than a Democrat at an NRA production of The Most Dangerous Game . . .’ [/mumbling] Look, officer: I can think better with these cuffs off."

"So my girlfriend -- you remember her, right? -- she looked at me and said, 'Are we summering in Nantucket this year?' What does she think my father does for a living? Day laboring? Nantucket!? So I dumped her and spread a rumor at the tennis club that she only has one good eye."

For more vitally important Georgetown-directed vitriol, check out Hoya Suxa on Twitter: @HoyaSuxa. He'll be contributing literary masterpieces here at Troy Nunes is an Absolute Magician all day.