Syracuse and Georgetown are going to play in hoopyball again, starting in the 2015-2016 season. To commemorate the rebirth of the rivalry, I'm unlocking a story or two from the Hoya Suxa vault. These words first appeared on January 19, 2012.
If you know me, there’s nothing I like more than hilarious pranks. Man, I live for hilarious pranks. When people on the street see me, they’re always saying to themselves, "There goes Hoya Suxa, the greatest lover of hilarious pranks there ever was." I’m usually pretty humble about it, though; you shouldn’t brag about your love of hilarious pranks.
As I’m such a connoisseur of hilarious pranks, I’m uniquely situated to tell you some hilarious pranks that you can play on Georgetown. The best part, of course, is that Hoyas are really stuffy, so if you play these hilarious pranks on them it’ll be twice as hilarious! That’s almost a lethal dose of hilarious pranks, and the only cure is laughing at them because laughter is the best medicine!*
* Not verified by the FDA or any other doctor types.
To pull off this hilarious prank, you’ll need to become Commissioner of The Big East Conference. Allow your predecessor to talk you up as a capable replacement. Make sure he uses phrases like, "right-hand man," and, "probably not mentally disabled." Also make sure that he doesn’t wink or make that eye roll-head nod thing people do when they’re lying and they want you to know they’re lying but they don’t want to actually say that they’re lying.
Now, become really negligent to your responsibilities. Like, more than usual. Don’t answer the phone or anything when people call because that will totally blow the hilarious prank. After a few months, tell your secretary — who should be under a pile of pink "While You Were Out" phone message slips — that you’re going to Chicago for important meetings. Make sure that you don’t do that eye roll-head nod thing. That’ll definitely ruin the hilarious prank.
Then, all of a sudden . . . BAM! Syracuse and Pittsburgh have new business cards and Georgetown is sending "Do you like me? [ ] Yes? [ ] No?" notes to the Atlantic-10. What a hilarious prank!
OPERATION THERE IS NO SPOON
This hilarious prank is going to take a leap of faith, but don’t quit just because it’s hard. Every day, as soon as you wake up, cross your fingers and really concentrate. Like, really concentrate (not that fake concentration that you do when you nod your head approvingly when clients tell you that you’re fired for accidentally setting the trash can on fire in the foyer). If you have to, cross your fingers and stuff. It can’t hurt.
Now, when you’re in deep concentration, visualize a grizzly bear wearing a striped beanie — How adorable! — after six hours of doing bourbon shots at the bar, complaining to the barkeep that his damn organ grinder rides him too hard and he’s going to get his revenge by mowing down some Hoyas in his 1976 Cadillac Eldorado.
You really need to visualize it exactly like that or the prank won’t be hilarious. Trust me.
Then, like, after 30 years of constant concentration, visualization of that disgruntled and sauced grizzly bear that owns a fine piece of American engineering, and achievement of psychokinesis . . . BAM! Georgetown is shut down due to an unrelated overleveraging of its endowment into risky investments in underdeveloped technology. What a hilarious prank!
OPERATION FOOD FOR THOUGHT
The first thing you need to do for this hilarious prank is sneak into Leo O’Donovan Dining Hall on Georgetown’s campus. Every night for, like, 20 years or something, put a little bit of arsenic into the soup du jour. This requires some patience; if you put too much arsenic in the soup du jour each night the district attorney is going to play a hilarious indictment prank on you.
Then, when the time is right and everyone has consumed tons of arsenic . . . BAM! You storm into Leo’s with a homemade flamethrower that you fashioned in your garage and torch as many Jack and Jane Hoyas as possible. What a hilarious prank you just pulled on Joseph Kesselring lovers at Georgetown!