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#FakeNunes previews Syracuse vs Louisville

We’re back for more hard-hitting analytical nonsense

NCAA Football: Syracuse at Louisville Jamie Rhodes-USA TODAY Sports

It’s Wednesday, so you know what that means... time for the blog that gives you the internet’s most ridiculous college football preview series- it’s #FakeNunes time. Have we found some creative ways to get #jokesandgarbage into a Syracuse Orange preview? Probably not but if one of you chuckles this is a success in our book.

Now onto this week’s opponent

Opponent: Louisville Cardinals

Location: Louisville, KY

Students: 14,448 students who can’t believe Scott Satterfield lasted longer than Chris Mack

The 2022 Fake Nunes Statistical Index (#FNSI)

We continue to look to innovate our analytics model so we here’s what the lab cooked up for this season.

The Great One Hair Factor

In order to maintain our status as #CanadasCollegeTeam, each week we look at who is wearing #99 and determine who has the better salad.

Syracuse’s Elijah Fuentes-Cundiff has a great beard but that cut’s not flowing out the back of any Jofa. Louisville’s Dezmond Tell will definitely draw your eyes in the pre-game warm-ups.

Advantage: Louisville and this might be a tough category for the Orange this year

Notable Alum

Bringing back this one as we love to drop some knowledge every now and then to help our loyal readers possibly win a trivia night. After all we are the Syracuse blog that loves you back and we take that seriously.

Gina Haspel vs Eileen Collins

Haspel was the first woman to be Deputy Director of the CIA while Collins was the first . Did woman to pilot the space shuttle. Did you know that Haspel was a Kentucky student for three years and only went to Louisville to finish her degree? Sounds like that was her first clandestine operation to us.

Advantage: Syracuse because flying a space shuttle is cool and spying is a lot like snitching

Football Program Hashtag:

None vs #GoCards

Seriously folks still nothing. We were going to end this category but we felt it’s important to keep pointing out that Syracuse is sitting out another year.

Advantage: Louisville

Linebackers Coach Looks Like:

Fans of the LeBatard Show might know this game, it’s where we guess what is the best description for a position coach from each team. This year’s choice will be linebackers coach. This week’s match-up:

Greg Gasparato looks like he’s the President of the Kentucky chapter of the Ben Roethlisberger Fan Club

Tony White looks like he’s going to save you money on your homeowners insurance.

Advantage: Syracuse because saving money is important in today’s economic climate.

The Official #FakeNunes Game Prediction:

The Cardinals start fast as Malik Cunningham is joined by a familiar figure wearing a dark visor over his helmet. The mysterious newcomer lines up with Cunningham and the duo are unstoppable on the edges as the Syracuse faithful implore the Orange defenders to get a clean hit. Louisville gets in the red zone and Cunningham pitches to #88 who hurdles three Orange players on his way into the end zone. As the Cardinals celebrate the score, Stefon Thompson grabs 88 and Mikel Jones pulls his helmet off to reveal Lamar Jackson.

The JMA Wireless Dome goes silent as thousands of fans try to tweet/snap/finish their Jack Harlow TikTok the reveal crashing the network. Scott Satterfield tries to explain to the refs that he had no idea what was going on and while he runs to the locker room he drops his “Living in Lincoln, Nebraska” guidebook on the field. ACC officials try to reach Jim Phillips but he’s meeting with Tubi officials as he tries to increase conference revenues so the referee declares Syracuse the winner and says he’s off to the State Fair to get a wine slushie.