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Social Distancing Activities as Sports: Ranked

#JokesAndGarbage have arrived!

Wegmans Supermarket Opens in Brooklyn Photo by Andrew Lichtenstein/Corbis via Getty Images

You thought there were no big sporting events this weekend? Oh, how wrong you were. It’s okay, though! This weekend, living in New York City and practicing responsible social distancing practices, I was prepping for a march sans basketball, hockey, soccer and baseball. But to my great discovery, EVERYTHING I did was sports! And now I’m going to rank them by virtue of sportsness!

  1. Attempt to get toilet paper - I get people are panicking. I get that the urge to stock up when you panic! However, I live in a 850 square foot apartment and had one roll left. I NEEDED at least two more rolls to make it through a week. After loosing my MMA fight in Wegmans for a family pack, and striking out at the pharmacy, my local Lebanese bodega came through clutch.
  2. Agree on a show to binge watch - There’s Bill Belichick versus Sean McVay, and then there’s attempting to decide on a show you want to binge watch with your wife. Super hero shows? Not her jam. Reality tv? Not mine. There’s an intricate level of negotiating you plan for until she puts on Sex Education without you noticing and you’re into it.
  3. Organized 100+ comic books - This required just as much strategy as a final table at the World Series of Poker. Do you go by publisher then publish date? Book title, number decreasing? What do you do with the one shots and one offs?! WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?!
  4. Creating a work from home space - Everyone’s really into curling, for... reasons? The kind of spacial strategy that is needed is why I have no choice but to respect the sport. So bring that kind of headspace to turning your dining room table into an office that can be easily changed back to, you know, a dining room table.
  6. Getting real fancy with cooking - You ever watch Iron Chef? That’s sports. I’m not quite Masaharu Morimoto, but when I realized I could use the random vegetables and pasta to make an instagram worthy dish, I felt like I just made a 5 star meal out of offal.
  7. Try New Types of Alcohol - What’s more nerve wracking: watching Syracuse play in their 100th one possession game with a minute to go on the clock, or willingly drinking something that comes out of a bottle you find on the back of your shelf you have no recollection buying and has a non-English label?
  8. Laugh at Darren on Twitter - This is a time honored sports tradition, and this did not stop as the weekend progressed.
  9. Freaked out over a high school kid’s social media - In 2020, this is very much a part of sports, so much so, it’s very much it’s own sport. I try to not participate, but hey! It’s been a weekend.
  10. Went for a run - Who actually runs to be competitive? I guess this is sports.

Now, these were just the sports I participated in this weekend, but I’m sure there were plenty more that I should aim for next weekend. What sports should I try?