Last week, TNIAAM told you how the Syracuse Orange could finish this season with any record between 5-7 and 9-3. You liked some of those articles more than others, but ultimately, you were holding out for the most optimistic of projections, from the web’s top SU football predictor: my dog, James Arthur (James, for short).
As you may remember, he picked SU to go 8-4 in the regular season last year, which was only a game shy of the Orange’s surprising 9-3 mark. Now he’s back to tell you why 10-2 is the pick, and why you should run that #disloyalidiot that wrote the 5-7 piece right out of town.
(the rest of this is written by him)
I heard I was better at picking games than all of the humans last year, which means I’m now in charge of the website. Does that mean I’m writing more on it? No, of course not. Dad’s still forced to do what I tell him, and that includes keeping this blog afloat. His opinions are usually bad and he talks about beer too much, but if people let Doug Gottlieb stay on the internet, then Dad should probably stay too.
All predictions below are what will happen. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
at Liberty Flames: Thankfully not watching this one with Dad, because him and the other people are going away for the weekend. I’m sure he’ll give me a detailed updated on what happens, though he doesn’t seem worried going into it, which is both reassuring and upsetting. Oranges win, I suppose. W, 1-0 (0-0)
at Maryland Terrapins: (searches for what a Terrapin is) Are we sure these aren’t dinosaurs? Because they definitely look like dinosaurs. I think Syracuse beats the dinosaurs because they appear to be slow and Syracuse does not. They also look ugly. What’s happened to these dinosaurs? Should someone call them a doctor? W, 2-0 (0-0)
Clemson Tigers: Already hear Dad talking about “College Gameday” — whatever that is — and assuming that means even more noise about this game than a usual Saturday. Count me out. Also, cats. Hate cats. This one looks like it has Styrofoam for breakfast most days. Try to hydrate, cat. W, 3-0 (1-0)
Western Michigan Broncos: Have you seen how large horses are? They’re terrifying. Unpredictable. Have an ability to stomp out a dog like myself. This does not seem like a game I’d like to be on the wrong side of picking. I have no quarrel with you, horse. Just ask for safe passage (and a piece of a carrot, if possible). L, 3-1 (1-0)
Holy Cross Crusaders: When I hear “holy,” I think “hole-y” — like certain types of cheese, and the middle of Cheerios. Is this a team made of food? The food team doesn’t appear too challenging, and again, Dad’s not worried — a sure sign, on those rare occasions, that there’s truly nothing to be concerned with. W, 4-1 (1-0)
at N.C. State Wolfpack: Dad’s leaving me for this one too, so don’t have to watch it. Apparently he’ll be there, which sounds like a bad omen. But on the bright side: No screaming, yelling or anxiety in my general area for that entire evening — unless we count the smaller human, who is always screaming and/or yelling. If anyone would like to pass a note along to her about that for the night, please do. I’ll be outside on the porch in case it doesn’t get through to her, though. L, 4-2 (1-1)
Pittsburgh Panthers: Cats are always bad, and this one is especially so. Tried to communicate with it once, but all it could muster was something about “yinz” and putting french fries on sandwiches (you have my attention on the second point). He also mentioned ketchup, but that condiment is banned in my house. Sorry, kethcup cat. An ‘L’ for you. W, 5-2 (2-1)
at Florida State Seminoles: Syracuse grabbed a win over horse hands last year, and now I’m no longer scared of the demon animal. Hands are for petting, and giving treats and other things I like. So in the case of this specific horse, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt he’ll make the right decision. W, 6-2 (3-1)
Boston College Eagles: Saw a bird the other day and it was pretty brazen. Sat on the sidewalk until I was about 10 feet away, then flew off once I tried to pounce on it. Next time, bird... (or this time, in the case of the Orange). W, 7-2 (4-1)
at Duke Blue Devils: I thought these guys were only in Syracuse’s conference in basketball. Well, if the schedule says it’s an ACC game, I’m going to trust them — but only this once. Dad should’ve gotten the hell out of here for this game too. Instead, I’m going to be stuck listening to him yammer on about this one at 9 a.m. (PT) or something in November. Would really rather not. W, 8-2 (5-1)
at Louisville Cardinals: As mentioned, definitely dislike birds, even ones with teeth. This particular bird seems a bit wounded this season and that’s a golden opportunity to finally get some revenge. Despite my appearance, I have some solid leaping ability. Any sign of weakness and I’m pouncing. W, 9-2 (6-1)
Wake Forest Demon Deacons: This evil man is far more intimidating than the other one. Still, hands are good for petting, so we’re giving him a shot. What’s he storing in that hat, though? Seems a little big for just hair. I vote for a stack of cold cuts. W, 10-2 (7-1)
(Dad tells me that this record means more games for Syracuse. Dammit, I don’t want more)
ACC Championship Game — Virginia Cavaliers: The coach’s name is “Bronco?” Again, with the horses. Sorry, not going near it, even if means further shouting by UVA fans (which still hasn’t ceased since early April, somehow). L, 10-3 (7-1)
Orange Bowl — LSU Tigers: CATS. This one can cook, at least. But there’s no reality where I’ll pick Syracuse to lose to a feline. They’re quick, unfortunately, so I’ve yet to catch one. We will one day, though. Perhaps this is that day. W, 11-3 (7-1)
Hopefully I not only gave you everything you wanted, but am also right once again. I don’t take my title lightly now that I’ve earned it. Every correct pick is worth a treat, three belly rubs and a “good boy.” These terms are non-negotiable.