“Why aren’t we talking about the actual football game tomorrow? This site’s a fraud.”
One of you will inevitably type the above, and I’ll direct you to a) the list of articles that have already been written about the Syracuse Orange’s game against the Florida State Seminoles, and b) the lower-by-the-week comment counts on football articles.
But with Kanye West releasing Jesus is King on Friday, and none of you really wanting to talk about football, that’s how we get here. Yes, I used to be Kanye’s unpaid public defender. While it’s a role I no longer play, I begrudgingly gave this album a shot anyway. It was... fine at points. And not so much at others. That’s sort of like the ACC, and Syracuse’s schedule at large.
So behold: Syracuse’s 11 FBS opponents this year as tracks on Kanye West’s Jesus is King.
1. “Every Hour”: Western Michigan Broncos
The intro is a strong start, much like Syracuse’s strong start against WMU, when they flew out to a 21-0 lead only to have the Broncos nipping at their heels for the rest of the game. Kanye gets close to a real BIG moment on this song, but never completely cashes in. Sounds familiar.
2. “Selah”: N.C. State Wolfpack
Much of the song is a chorus of “Hallelujah,” which is what most SU and State fans were saying at Carter-Finley Stadium a couple Thursdays ago when that game finally ended. In the bible, the word could also mean “forever.” As in NC State is forever on the brink of breaking through.
3. “Follow God”: Louisville Cardinals
THIS SONG WAS MADE FOR LOUISVILLE: “Riding on a white bike, feeling like excite bike.” Even if Bobby Petrino’s out the door, and the motorcycle incident didn’t even happen while he was coaching the Cards, it’s a defining character trait of this program until further notice.
4. “Closed on Sunday”: Liberty Flames
Now, whenever you hear this absolute cornball line — “Closed on Sunday, you my Chick-fil-A” — you’ll think of this absolute cornball image. They were made for each other. One could also argue that Liberty is ALSO closed on Sundays, but that’s a wider discussion.
5. “On God”: Boston College Eagles
Both the name of the song, and the words on every BC fans’ lips this year when they were bludgeoned by Kansas, and then again when Anthony Brown was lost for the season. Track’s also regrettable, much like Eagles football.
6. “Everything We Need”: Clemson Tigers
Any look at the Tigers’ football facility tells you that players at the school do have everything they need. Also, Ant Clemons is on this track, which seems incredibly appropriate if you just move a couple letters around. Call Dabo “Ant Clemons” if you ever meet him, just to see what he does.
7. “Water”: Wake Forest Demon Deacons
Much of the song relies on just directing requests to Jesus or telling listeners what Jesus is. Men of the cloth like the Demon Deacons would typically do something similar. Depending on how the rest of this season shakes out, Wake may also be reading Syracuse its last rites on the final weekend, when it comes to bowl eligibility.
8. “God Is”: Duke Blue Devils
Here, Kanye West defines God in terms of what God means in his life, and what faith means to him. Duke fans have probably written something similar about Coach K. Give it a few hours, and there will probably be a Penn State football/Duke basketball fan recording a version of the track saying as much. This is about football, however, and certainly Blue Devils football fans are also pretty thankful for the role David Cutcliffe’s played in delivering some faith on that front.
9. “Hands On”: Pittsburgh Panthers
Some of the lyrics of this song read like an instruction manual for an offensive line — something SU could’ve used last week in a loss against the Panthers. “Told the devil that I’m going on a strike” also sounds like very Pitt as well.
10. “Use This Gospel”: Florida State Seminoles
Kenny G makes an appearance with the sort of saxophone solo you’d be much more accustomed to seeing prominence in the 1990s. Not to throw too much shade at our pals in Tallahassee, but... the description fits to an extent, given the recent downturn.
11. “Jesus Is Lord”: Maryland Terrapins
The track’s just 49 seconds long, which is how long most of you watched SU’s loss to Maryland earlier this year before switching over to something more productive for a Saturday afternoon.