The infinite Syracuse football road trip diary: Wagner

Hoya Suxa is aiming to attend 7 of Syracuse’s 12 regular season football games this year. He’ll be filing short travelogues from his journeys.

IN CASE YOU WEREN’T SURE, SUBWAY IS ACTIVELY ATTEMPTING TO KILL YOU

I can only assume that Subway is attempting to become an international supervillain with its release of the Pulled Pork Crunch with Chili Cheese Fritos. What’s the point of putting low dosages of toxic chemicals into the country’s water supply, a long and arduous evil plot designed to wipe out large swaths of the population, when you can get right to the quick and transparently poison an entire nation with a food-like product that weaponizes Subway’s already in-motion diarrhea offensive? This is a felony at best and an act of terrorism at worst, a butthole-destroying scheme that should be tried in The Hague as a crime against humanity.

If you have eaten this, you should seek the attention of a medical professional and probably the CIA.

WHEREIN I REVIEW GENNY’S CREAM ALE SAMPLER BECAUSE YOU SHOULD DRINK A LOCAL BEER FOR A LOCAL TEAM

Beer: Imperial Cream Ale

Rating: 10/10

Comments: Is a beer that you can drink; comes in a can that fits in your hand so that you can drink it; tasted like a cream ale, but since it’s imperial, you can mercilessly colonize land while drinking it, so that’s pretty good, too; drank two of them and didn’t lose my eyesight.

Beer: Dry-Hopped Mosaic Cream Ale

Rating: 10/10

Comments: Mosaic hops aren’t lost in the cream ale, which is a massive human achievement requiring special Congressional acknowledgement; this is, like, legitimately good for all you snobs that think you should only drink beer that was brewed specifically for captains of industry; can should be 64 oz. instead of 12 oz. and also talk to me; not a bruiser, which allows for numerous tastes without face-planting on the ground.

Beer: Orange Honey Cream Ale

Rating: 10/10

Comments: You can drink 50 of them and gain superpowers; kind of tasted like a cream ale but mostly tasted like a laboratory experiment where some egghead wanted to prove that the physics of cream ale are elastic; not a lawn mower beer, but definitely a watch-your-kids-beat-the-snot-out-of-each-other-with-pool-noodles beer; drank many of them and only danced like an idiot for a little bit.

WE’RE STILL NOT MAKING PRISON FOOD FOR OUR TAILGATE AND IT IS GLORIOUS

All the credit for our tailgate cuisine over the last few years goes to my pal Dave — he’s borne the lion’s share of the menu creation and has manned the grill like a world champion. In the last four years of doing these infinite road trips, we’ve somehow been able to throw tailgates without having to cycle back through an established catalogue (which is impressive given the number of nooners we’ve faced, stretching our breakfast skills to the furthest extent known to human history), nor have we’ve needed to rest on pedestrian hot dogs and mundane hamburgers. We’ve done American fare (grilled wings, Thanksgiving sandwiches) and regional/ethnic favorites (cuban sandwiches, bahn mi, grilled beef on weck), and the dedication to trying something different has yielded happy tummies and wide smiles.

It usually takes some work to get this done on a regular basis, with menu options thrown about during the week and prep done on Friday evenings when I finally roll into town. This week, however, was a bit of a void for us: There wasn’t a firm plan in place that we were ready to execute upon on Friday, leaving things somewhat squishy for what Saturday would look like. Where we ended up, though, was no different than in tailgates past, pulling together a combination of chacarero chileno sandwiches and salty and sweet marshmallow bars:

Dave made the marshmallow from scratch for the dessert bars, which . . . we’re officially at the point in our tailgating where we need an intervention. The beef, marinaded in a garlic aoli and topped with pickled pepperoncini and green beens, was lights out. It was another winner in a long line of knock outs, and I’m not sure there’s a better way to head into a kickoff than with a pile of delicious anchored in your stomach.

A THUMB’S DOWN AND A THUMB’S UP TO SYRACUSE ATHLETICS

Of all the focus points in Syracuse’s announcement of new gameday features, one stuck out as weird: “‘Syracuse Saturday,’ an in-venue show featuring Newschannel 9 Bridge Street host Tenesha Murphy, former Syracuse football standout James Mungro, and TK99 morning show host Lisa Chelenza.” It wasn’t clear what this deal was going to be, but after watching the pops during the game, I am left with only this thought: Why does this exist, at least in its current form?

It felt like these interstitials were only there to let people know that t-shirts were about to be thrown at them. I’ll always love James Mungro for running all over Kentucky in the Music City Bowl, but I don’t think I need him trying to piece together an analysis 30 seconds after a scoring play. (Unrelated: Anyone else notice that Mungro was dressed like a dad at Disney, rocking wraparound sunglasses, polo, and visor? It’s like he was ready to tell his bratty kid that he or she wasn’t getting an ice cream because “Have you seen these prices?!”) It’s not like we stepped away from the television — we’re parked in our seats and saw what happened. A halftime show seems to make sense — give us a download of what we need to know — but these in-game hits feel unnecessary. Maybe turn them into hype opportunities instead? I just don’t know what purpose they serve right now. They kill dead spots in the action, but I don’t think that anyone really cared all that much when the show-in-the-show popped up on the video boards. Having TV for the sake of having TV doesn’t seem all that interesting to me, but I also don’t watch a lot of TV so who the hell knows?

As for great developments that came out of nowhere:

Hell yeah, new seat backs! I had no idea these were coming, but my prodigious rear end appreciates it. The old cushions were probably a year or two past their useful life, but these suckers showed up out of nowhere and were a nice surprise. In the past, Syracuse probably would have held off on the new cushions until after the Dome renovations, but our butts were comfortable and well-considered at a time of increased fan awareness. What a time to have an ass!

BINDLESTIFF

Games Attended: 1

Syracuse’s Record in Games Attended: 1-0

Miles Driven: ~512

Miles Flown: 0

Next Syracuse Game: Florida State

Next Syracuse Game I’m Attending: Florida State

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