Last week, TNIAAM told you how the Syracuse Orange football team could finish with any record between 3-9 and 7-5 in 2018. Hoya Suxa also told you how all of those predictions — and more — are correct, and handed you a probability tool to play with numbers yourself.
Today, blog mascot/infrequent guest writer James Arthur (James, for short) drops by to tell you why 8-4 is the only option and how I’m the ultimate #disloyalidiot for writing that 3-9 piece.
(the rest of this is largely written by him)
Right off the bat, gonna tell you that I hate football season. The yelling, cursing, drinking and everything else that ensues is unpleasant. However, the humans redeemed themselves prior to football starting this year by giving me my own room. I know, crazy, right? There’s a carpet and new furniture and everything. There’s also a crib and a lot of small girl’s clothes in there. Not sure what those are for. What’s that, you say? Baby? Not a chance.
Anyway, since the beer guy has no idea what he’s talking about, I figured I’d take a crack at picking games instead. These are right, just trust me.
at Western Michigan Broncos: What’s a bronco? A horse. Horses are large and I’m not necessarily a fan of large things. I hear the horse coach used to make Dad mad before I showed up. Can I blame him for football yelling? Seems fair. I don’t think he’s the reason Western Michigan wins, but the horses may be. L, (0-1, 0-0)
Wagner Seahawks: I asked someone to search for what a seahawk was, and it ends up it’s a fictional bird. Real birds are bad, because they can escape when I chase after them. Damn wings... If I had wings, I’d fly after birds. Would also fly to the top of the counter and steal food. Let’s get dogs wings. Who would say no? W, (1-1, 0-0)
Florida State Seminoles: People are cool. Horses can be cool, I guess. Just don’t think I’d like to encounter one. Especially if they have hands. Horse hands seem like something unnatural. Unless they can be used to pet me, then I guess it’s fine. Syracuse loses to horse hands. L, (1-2, 0-1)
Connecticut Huskies: A dog! Dogs are great! This dog is probab — oh, this dog isn’t great. I’m told I’m supposed to hate UConn but I can’t betray my kind. Obviously the people of Yukon (sp?) have been doing something terrible to him. Be free, brother! And take this win with you! L, (1-3, 0-1)
at Clemson Tigers: Cats are trash. And this particular cat seems to be suffering from an affliction that is probably best not to inquire about. Damn, we made eye contact with it. Apparently it wants to know the price of cocaine? If I had to guess, a gram costs $27.24. Nope, don’t care about any previous or future pricing. That was the price last year and that’s what we’re going with. W, (2-3, 1-1)
at Pittsburgh Panthers: More cats? Why’s this one talking like there’s an entire bucket of marbles in its mouth? What’s a yinz? I thought the name of the team was the Panthers, but all of these people keep saying Stillers. If winning will shut the marble cats up, that’s fine with me. W, (3-3, 2-1)
North Carolina Tar Heels: Has someone comforted this man? He always appears upset. Some of you emailed me about looking for items related to these “Tar Heels” around the house as proof Dad’s a spy. There’s a baby blue polo. And I found an old “UNC” pennant in a bag. Sorry to disappoint you. W, (4-3, 3-1)
N.C. State Wolfpack: Another dog! Why’s he so mad? Probably because they put him in a sweater. Dogs aren’t supposed to wear clothes. Why can’t they leave the dog alone? Wait, they performed a wedding too? Is there no line humans won’t cross? The Wolfpack/Mr. Wuf/Tuffy deserve this win for what you’ve all done. L, (4-4, 3-2)
at Wake Forest Demon Deacons: The evil man of the cloth performed the aforementioned dog wedding. He does not seem like a person I would want to pet me. I hear Syracuse fans are mad about this atrocity as well. Only fair the Orange get a win. W, (5-4, 4-2)
Louisville Cardinals: More birds. Assuming we’ve given dogs wings by this point in the schedule, it means birds no longer have the advantage of flight. Also hear the very fast and very good player is no longer on Louisville. That, plus the bird having teeth for reasons unexplained mean Syracuse beats the affront to God before it escapes the captivity of the Carrier Dome. W, (6-4, 5-2)
Notre Dame Fighting Irish: Being half-Welsh, I have a bit of a superiority complex when it comes to the Irish, fighting or otherwise. Also, showing up in these uniforms should mean an automatic loss for any team. W, (7-4, 5-2)
at Boston College Eagles: And even MORE birds? Why do these birds keep mentioning a “TAWMMY” character and SAWX? Who are the Pats? Why do they all carry cups to spit in? The mustache man talks about being dudes, but what if I want something more than that? Syracuse wins because these people are weird. W, (8-4, 6-2)
No bowl games for Syracuse because Dad’s contractually obligated to only care about football for 12 games per year. I don’t make the rules.