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Chipotle Curse: Infinity War

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This is not the crossover event we were looking for.

NCAA Division I Lacrosse Championship - Semifinals Jim Rogash/Getty Images for Reebok

One of this website’s longest-running shticks has been the Chipotle Curse. And like Sean before me, I also hold a strong anti-Chipotle stance, on the strength of not wanting to ingest thousands of calories in one sitting, and also there are just SO many better Mexican food options around me in Southern California.

Unfortunately, the Chipotle Curse strikes those that don’t share this sentiment. So was the case for Syracuse Orange men’s lacrosse head coach John Desko this week in a tough 13-8 loss to Cornell on Tuesday. He called on the thunder in a recent interview with US Lacrosse Magazine, and well... now we’re all doomed.

If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Chipotle. I’m not sure I’d want to eat anything particular for the rest of my life, so this way you can mix in the different meats, or get a bowl or salad and switch things up.

John, you’ve had such a long and successful career. What on earth has overtaken you to wish a life of Chipotle — and nothing in particular at Chipotle?! -- on yourself like this? Every goddamn meal for the rest of your life, even in varietal form? WHO HURT YOU?!

This latest salvo in the Chipotle Curse Infinity War is simply a bridge too far. It wasn’t enough that the fast casual restaurant arrived on our very campus, but now they’ve seemingly infected the brain of our men’s lacrosse coach as well. Someone check Desko’s expenses to see if he ate at the Chipotle in Ithaca prior to Tuesday’s loss. That would be the easiest explanation, though this does seem more deeply rooted than just a one-time visit.

If you’re near Desko, please remove the burrito from his hand, and same goes for the bowl and salad options as well. If we want to win another lacrosse title, like he claims he’d like to, we can’t let this man ever eat there again.

Of course, there’s another solution to all of this as well. Maybe it’s not necessarily “reasonable,” but... neither is sports.