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Georgetown Finally Decides on the Guy That Will Continue to Lose at Georgetown

It’s a big day for the Hoyas as they’ve picked the guy that will carry on Georgetown’s tradition of losing to Gulf Coasts.

Legends Classic - UCLA v Georgetown Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

It took Georgetown just a few weeks to figure out which idiot will replace John Thompson III as the “Totally Real Head Coach That Isn’t Just a Puppet of Big John” of the Hoyas: “A Taller and Totally Real Head Coach That Isn’t Just a Puppet of Big John.”

As Casual Hoya broke this afternoon, Georgetown is turning to Patrick Ewing — a former basketball player that Hoyas believed sweat expensive cologne — to carry on Georgetown’s incredible tradition of losing to double digit seeds and getting brutally dunked on by the Washington Post.

Georgetown has hired Hoya legend and NBA Hall of Famer Patrick Ewing as its next head coach, a source confirms to Casual Hoya. Ewing replaces John Thompson III, who was fired on March 23rd after coaching the Hoyas for the past thirteen seasons.

This breaking news was posted at 2:27 PM, coincidentally a time that, I have been told, Georgetown sucks.

Ewing inherits a roster of jerks and will be asked to turn those jerks into a rag-tag team of even bigger jerks that will eventually lose to Elon in hilarious fashion. Baseline expectations for Georgetown next season are to lose to very few Gulf Coasts, and, possibly, avoid losing to DePaul for the third time in five seasons.

We turn, now, to erudite analysis from the internet:

No details on Ewing’s contract have been released, but firing Ewing down the road — assuming that Big John lives forever and is totally not the actual head coach calling the shots on The Hilltop — will be just as complicated and fun as III’s dismissal. If only Georgetown had listened to me a week ago and made a sane decision.