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James Arthur presents #AlternativeFacts about Duke basketball

Someone woke James up just in time for a Duke preview.

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(The following article is written by my dog, and blog mascot, James Arthur. Of course he wrote it. It reads like a dog wrote it, right?)

The Syracuse Orange are facing the Duke Blue Devils tonight, and this is of great concern to me. Mom says there will be yelling of some sort. I hate yelling and take to hiding in the back of the closet when SU plays. I’d tell you what happened during any of the past six Orange basketball games this year, but I was too busy burying my head in a shirt and praying for the game to end.

With that out of the way, let’s discuss Duke. Can’t say I know much about them, since I don’t read. Perhaps this “about” page will help there...

Duke University in Durham, N.C., traces its origins to 1838...

First: I’ve been to North Carolina, and I greatly oppose any place that I need to fly to. Planes are a nightmare the likes of which I wouldn’t wish on any cat.

Also, 1838’s not a year. Life started when I was born, circa 2013.

The trustees agreed to provide free education for Methodist preachers in return for financial support by the church, and in 1859 the transformation was formalized with a name change to Trinity College.

Methodists? These guys sure sound like Catholics with this arrangement (/ducks).

The rest of that page features a lot of words that don’t mean much. Using “vicissitudes” (seriously) in a page spelling out what you are just seems like a douchey (Dukey?) thing to do.

Seems they’ve got a PDF that doesn’t force us to download it to the desktop, so maybe we just go there instead...

Younger than most other prestigious U.S. research universities, Duke University consistently ranks among the very best.

You start with a passive sentence, which is hopefully echoed by a passive offense against Syracuse. Can’t have Dad yelling after all...

The rest is more small-type marketing speak and some numbers. Not sure who told Duke that people actually want to read this stuff. Boiling your entire mission down to opened ended declarations like “Insights Incite Change” or just a cool commercial like “Head Held High” is a better tact, if you ask me. You can do with these whatever you want. No need to dive into numbers.

But enough about Duke University. What about the basketball team? Who are the guys I need to know?

/opens roster

I see Ted Cruz is on the roster.

John: He’s not.

But I’m seeing Ted Cruz.

John: It’s not Ted Cruz.

You’re sure?

John: Positive.

You’re right. Says here his name’s Grayson Allen. Wonder what happens if I Google him...

These descriptions about him tripping opponents and people loving to hate him indicate that he’s Ted Cruz. I was right! Moving on.

Is that Coach K still around? He seems like he’ll want to leave eventually. Can they replace him with a dog as a coach? I think Duke should rename the team in that case, too. Blue Devils is offensive. Blue Dogs? He resembles a rat, maybe the Duke Rat Coach Ks. Could just rename them Dachshunds, and just reset with a new mascot and all. I’ll volunteer. It’ll be a double insult because their team will be named after a dog that’s named after Jim Boeheim. This is a fun exercise. What other parts of Duke history can we rewrite?

John: I have one in mi—

I don’t want to hear about Tony Greene anymore.

John: Fine, just give a prediction.

Given the fact that I have not stuck around for a single Syracuse game all season, this will not be informed at all — even more so because I’m a dog.

That said, I’ll take the Orange because while I don’t like yelling, positive yelling ends quicker than negative yelling. And I’d rather yelling that ends quick. They’ll win by a score of 84-80.

Now do I get a treat for this?

John: Nope. You’re on a diet.

Oh? Well then DUKE WINS.