A dog tells you why Syracuse football finishes 8-4 this year

Last week, TNIAAM gave you well-measured thoughts on why the Syracuse Orange could go anywhere from 3-9 to 7-5 this football season. Today, occasional guest writer James Arthur tells you why he’s all in on 8-4, despite my insistence it’s highly unlikely.

(the rest of this is largely by him)

One night last week, John was writing up an article while ignoring me on the couch. Though I can’t read, I thought he mentioned predictions and I figured I’d give it a try.

/asks John to pull up schedule

//asks John to type

Colgate Raiders: I hear the word “gate” in there, and can’t say I’m a fan of the idea. I’m no fan of the one they put in the kitchen on Mondays and some weekend afternoons. Doubt I’d be a fan of this one. Syracuse beats the ‘Gate and the lemon-scented bark collar that comes with it. W, (1-0) (0-0)

Louisville Cardinals: What are Cardinals? Birds? I hate birds. Try to catch them all the time but they always fly away. Strange creatures, those birds. Wish they’d just stay on the ground. Mom says if SU loses to these birds, Dad’s going to yell at the television quite a bit. I don’t like yelling and I definitely don’t like birds. Syracuse wins. W, (2-0) (1-0)

USF Bulls: Why are these teams all animals? Is there a world where animals and humans fight one another all the time? Or at least have meaningful conversations about life? How can I visit this place? Is this “South Florida” where these things happen? So many questions! Bulls are like cows and cows are beef. I like beef! Sorry, Syracuse. L, (2-1) (1-0)

at Connecticut Huskies: Typically steer clear of these guys on walks, but that doesn’t mean I hate them. I respect Huskies for their pack mentality and steely glares. Their gaze is just like the one I give when people when they eat food in front of me. What’s wrong with this husky? He looks emotionally damaged. Perhaps he just needs some friends. Let’s give him this one. L, (2-2) (1-0)

Notre Dame Fighting Irish: Why are they fighting? I’m not big on confrontation. Mom watches a lot of shows where people seem to yell at each other constantly. I hide in the corner when they’re on. Are these “Fighting Irish” those people? They don’t deserve to win anything. Ever. W, (3-2) (1-0)

at Wake Forest Demon Deacons: Tough for me to make comments on the mascots when they’re not animals. Where’s Wake Forest? North Carolina? I’ve heard I’m taking a trip there later this year. Not sure what that entails, but may want to meet these Deacons, whatever they are. Forests seem like they have room to run. Syracuse will have room to run as well, I think. W, (4-2) (2-0)

Virginia Tech Hokies: Turkeys are birds. They’re also something I eat when Dad’s nice while making lunch. Syracuse deserves a nice lunch with these turkeys. Dad says make a Mike Vick joke. Pretty sure that’s before my time, so I’ll pass. You lose, turkeys. I get to eat cold cuts! W, (5-2) (3-0)

at Boston College Eagles: Again with the birds... #BeADude? What is that, a statement or a question? Can you be a guy but not a dude? This seems like less of a hashtag than it is an existential crisis of some sort. Oh, the game? I’ve already told you I’m picking against all birds, and these Eagles are no exception. W, (6-2) (4-0)

at Clemson Tigers: CAT! IT’S A GODDAMN CAT! What’s the number two next to their name on the internet? Does that mean there are TWO cats? I’ve never encountered a cat I don’t want to destroy. Have yet to destroy one, mind you. But the feeling is always there. Cats are bad and Dad can’t convince me this cat is worth my vote. Ban cats. W, (7-2) (5-0)

NC State Wolfpack: Wolves are dogs, and I don’t pick against my own kind. This one is wearing some sort of headgear, however, which makes me not want to trust it. I refuse to don headgear of any sort, and he seems rather glad to be wearing it. Maybe these “hats” aren’t terrible. I still refute this supposed decision based on a hat back in February. L, (7-3) (5-1)

Florida State Seminoles: I love people! Never met a person I don’t like. And never met a person I can’t defeat with a quick flop down onto their lap. These people have some other friend that looks quite large. What’s his name? (clicks open image of plush Cimarron) HANDS! What is this unspeakable terror? It’s July Fourth all over again! IF YOU NEED ME, I’LL BE IN MY PANIC ROOM. L, (7-4) (5-2)

at Pittsburgh Panthers: It’s a cat. We’ve been over the cat thing, so there’s win number eight, I guess. I sort of think of Nathan Peterman as more of a game manager and I think their success against Syracuse is largely based on being able to play at-pace. If the weather isn’t on the colder end for them, SU should be able to run its offense as-is. The Orange just need to stop the run game and they stand a pretty good chance to win. W, (8-4) (6-2)

Wait, your mascot’s an orange? I LOVE fruit. Might have to go with the 3-9 guy on this one. Enjoy your wins against the gate and those cats.