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Inside The 'Hoyas for Trump' Special Event

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Senior Basketball Politics Correspondent Hoya Suxa files this report from the Hoyas for Trump event.

[Christopher Cross' Sailing blares over the loudspeaker]

[The assembled crowd loses their collective mind]

[A young man dressed like a low-grade Bond villain planning to poison the water supply with Pez takes to the stage]

"Fellow Hoyas! How are you feeling tonight?!"

[Dead silence as the crowd realizes they are devoid of souls]

"That's right! That's what I'm talking about! This place is crazier than the Verizon Center on a forgettable Wednesday against a team I forget the name of from Nebraska! We're going to take back this country, just like how we took back the Big East! We kicked Syracuse, Pittsburgh, Louisville, Rutgers, Cincinnati, Connecticut, South Florida, and Notre Dame out! We built a new Big East conference and made the old Big East pay for it! The Washington Post is full of lies when they say those schools left! Don't believe those sad losers that have to work for a living because their fathers couldn't set them up with a no-show job at their over-leveraged real estate holding company!

"And we're almost winners now! We haven't even lost to a Gulf Coast school since we made the Big East great again!  Gulf Coasts aren't even American! I've looked at a map and Dunk City isn't a real place! I demand to see their university charters! They shouldn't be allowed to play in the NCAA! We have people right now looking into where Gulf Coasts were born and you wouldn't believe what we're finding! Gulf Coasts are an incredible con!

"That's why we're here today -- to support the only Presidential candidate that understands Hoyas! He's just like our current basketball coach -- the mediocre son of an accomplished jerk, given a platform to succeed but somehow failed miserably time and again! We know Donald Trump! We are Donald Trump!

[Crowd roars with appreciation for nepotism]

"Hillary may have married a Hoya . . .

[A smattering of existential-crisis boos rise from the audience]

". . . but Trump is truly Hoya family! He ran a failed football team, just like Georgetown! He shows up on a Fox cable channel and displays all of his warts. So do we! Trump believes that we're living in a shit hole and, by God, I have been to Indiana to see Georgetown lose to Butler! He has an overinflated public image; we were given a four-seed or better in four of our last five NCAA Tournament appearances and didn't make the Sweet Sixteen! Trump wants to kick foreigners out of the country and we booted the Canadians from Syracuse straight out of the Big East!

[A chant of 'Hoya Saxa' rings out]

"Trump and Georgetown were both huge in the 80's and have been coasting on that reputation for decades! Donald Trump has divorced two women and we have separated ourselves from the reality of our basketball program! Trump hasn't shown his face all that much in D.C. and our home attendance was 49th in the NCAA last year! Everyone in New York hates him, just like us! Trump has a cozy relationship with Vladimir Putin and we've aligned ourselves with Villanova!

[A chant of 'Hoya Trumpa' rings out]


[Wild cheers as Boz Scaggs' JoJo plays over the loudspeaker]