SYRACUSE, NY - A country torn. A future uncertain. A leader needed.
James Arthur "Jim" Boeheim wishes to be that leader. After seeing presidential candidates Hilary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump and John Kasich roll through his own backyard in anticipation of the New York Primary, Boeheim has apparently had enough.
In a surprise press conference held Tuesday, the former Syracuse Orange men's basketball coach announced he is running for President of the United States. Hours later it was announced that Boeheim had won both the Republican and Democrat New York Primary, the first candidate in the history of American politics to do so.
"We need a leader who isn't afraid to get the job done," Boeheim said at a rally held inside the Carrier Dome with more than 50,000 supporters in attendance. "One who isn't afraid to take his jacket off if necessary. One who is prepared to call out all of the #DisloyalIdiots in the world. I am that leader!"
Boeheim certainly showed his dedication and devotion to his campaign by secretly going to work immediately following his team's Final Four run.
In a presidential race filled with plenty of storylines–from the enigma that is Donald Trump, to the controversial leaked Hilary Clinton emails and to the disaster that was Jeb Bush's campaign–Boeheim's surprise late entry may be the biggest one yet.
Not only is Boeheim attempting to go from the basketball court to the oval office, but he is also willing to campaign against his own long-lost older brother, Sen. Bernard "Bernie" Sanders, to do it. The story of their tragic separation has been well documented.
Jim Boeheim and Bernie Sanders... Twins separated at birth? pic.twitter.com/Ac6L0sSUKE— Calvin Buesgens (@CalWFBuesgens) March 26, 2016
Raised by a highly-competitive father who lived and breathed basketball, both Sanders and Boeheim grew up around the sport. However, at an early age it became apparent that only Boeheim had natural basketball instincts. As a result, Sanders' own parents disowned him and sent him into the foster care system. While Boeheim eventually made a career out of basketball, Sanders turned towards politics, where he used his eloquent vocabulary to dunk over his adversaries in the Senate.
Now, decades later, it appears that Boeheim has finally followed his brother into politics. While the two brothers may look identical, their platforms are most certainly not.
Here is how Boeheim's campaign platform breaks down.
Party Affiliation: Orange (similar to the Green Party, only better)
Domestic Policy: While Sanders has repeatedly campaigned for more equality within the United States, Boeheim has a drastically different view. Known as the "Rotation State" system, rather than devote precious minutes and time to all 50 states, Boeheim will only invoke laws and programs that benefit a select six states that he deems worthy (maybe seven if he's in a good mood, or if he sees an up-and-coming state that could use a few minutes to help its development).
So congratulations to: New York, California, Florida, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Virginia and (on a good day) Maryland. Unfortunately for the rest of the United States, you'll have to sit on the bench for the time being.
Foreign Policy: Boeheim's foreign policy is complicated, to say the least. He plans to continue to build strong relationships with some countries, and is ready to break of all ties and go to war with others. The two most polarizing representations of his stance are Canada and Brazil.
Boeheim has repeatedly expressed his love and admiration for Canada, describing the United States' northern neighbor as "America's greatest ally." In recent years Boeheim has worked with several Canadian ambassadors, including Kris Joseph and Tyler Ennis. Boeheim's successful relationships with Joseph and Ennis have clearly left a lasting influence.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, Boeheim's stance on Brazil is frightening. Boeheim views Brazil as "the greatest threat to America and civilization as a whole." Curiously, Boeheim has yet to give a clear and detailed explanation for his hatred of the South American country. When asked if his animosity towards Brazil had anything to do with his relationship with former Syracuse Orange basketball player, and current Brazilian professional basketball player, Fabricio (Fab) Paulino de Melo, Boeheim simply responded in disgust, "Who?"
Economy: In the early-to-mid 1900's, thanks in large part to a booming automotive industry, the United States was one of the largest exporters in the entire world. Boeheim wants to return the United States to that past glory. Critics have questioned Boeheim on his economic promises, saying as a lifelong basketball coach, he has no real background in the field.
However, that's not necessarily true. Boeheim has a long and rich resume in exporting "goods." Simply take a look at his recent history.
- Kaleb Joseph
- Chinonso Obokoh
- Ron Patterson
- B.J. Johnson
- DaShonte Riley
- Sean Williams
- Mike Jones
While his platform may not be perfect, compared to the current crop of candidates, Boeheim has a legitimate shot to be the next President of the United States.
Folks, it's time to make America orange again!
*Note: This entire story is 100 percent true and accurate. Only the premise, background, quotes and most of the reported facts have been falsified.