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Hoya Suxa Presents: Heartbreaking Microscopic Georgetown Stories

These are George Saunders approved*! *Probably not

Photo by Chris McGrath/Getty Images

Hoya Suxa, the website, no longer exists. Hoya Suxa, the person, still exists. He'll be writing literary masterpieces ahead of the Syracuse-Georgetown game. Abigail Adams is our guide: "I have been to Georgetown and felt all that [a friend] described when she was a resident there. It is the very dirtiest hole I ever saw for a place of any trade, or respectability of inhabitants. . . ."

This was the end; he'd known it for weeks. He'd miss those soft lips and her mysterious smile, but some things in life just push you to hit the ejector seat button. It was, still, a difficult decision to make, yet it needed to be made: Christa was great, but her forehand was social suicide at the tennis club. He'd break it off tonight.

* * * * *

"Communists!" he shouted. "Let the free market control!" Beckett was emphatic in his policy position and for good reason: This is America; a bastion of freedom and the right to pursue one's personal Manifest Destiny without the IRS believing that the S.S. Jack Hoya floated along on internal combustion and some recreational tax evasion.

* * * * *

"Did she really marry him? Wow. What a shame. She had so much going for her. Her family must not approve of this at all. I know that love conquers all and whatever, but to marry a George Washington graduate?!? How tragic."

* * * * *

I'll never forget that dog. Sure, he made you want to pull your hair out sometimes -- his air of entitlement rivaled that of a stallion out to stud -- but he still had those big droopy eyes that'd make you smile as you scooped up his "gifts of thanks." The day that he died was tough, but it was the memorial service that tried my will. As Jack's handler for all those years I was expected to say a few words in remembrance. But, how do you tastefully address the issue that the vat of acid I bought was useless without his pompous ass in it?

* * * * *

Sure, I did that a bunch in college. I mean, I wasn't the only one that was doing that back then, though. You have to remember that everyone was doing it then, man, so I thought that I'd give it a try, you know? It turns out that I ended up doing it a lot. Then, one day, I looked at myself in the mirror and just said, "I don't like who I am. I'm not doing this anymore." It was an epiphany and I haven't been back to a Georgetown basketball game since. I'm 16 years Hoyas-free.

The Hoya Suxa Reader

Hoya Suxa Presents: A Georgetown Tapestry

Hoya Suxa Presents: Georgetown Class Notes: December 2015

Hoya Suxa Presents: Georgetown Industries, Ltd. Product Catalog

Hoya Suxa Presents: The Georgetown Report

Hoya Suxa Presents: Selected Washington Post Clarifications and Retractions

Hoya Suxa Presents: Craigslist

Classic Hoya Suxa: Diagramming Georgetown’s Princeton Offense

Classic Hoya Suxa: Hilarious Pranks to Play on Georgetown

Classic Hoya Suxa: A Day in the Life

Classic Hoya Suxa: I Have a Terrible Medical Condition

Hoya Suxa Presents: The Georgetown Minister of Information

Hoya Suxa Presents: An Abridged Oral History of Georgetown Basketball

Classic Hoya Suxa: Hoya Aesthetics

Hoya Suxa Presents: Some Very Funny Stories Hoyas Tell