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Hoya Suxa Presents: "Aw, Hell": The John Thompson, Jr. Story

Big John wrote an autobiography and our sources have leaked the table of contents.

Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images

Hoya Suxa, the website, no longer exists. Hoya Suxa, the person, still exists. He'll be writing literary masterpieces ahead of the Syracuse-Georgetown game. Abigail Adams is our guide: "I have been to Georgetown and felt all that [a friend] described when she was a resident there. It is the very dirtiest hole I ever saw for a place of any trade, or respectability of inhabitants. . . ."

"Aw, Hell": The John Thompson, Jr. Story

An Autobiography


Part I

My mother, the Hoya . . . 1

Discrimination and Me: Why short people are prejudicial jerkfaces . . . 23

Part II

That time that I choked out an adorable baby kitten just to watch it die and washed the blood from my hands with a white hand towel, or: A love story about and with household textiles . . . 35

Recipe: Roasted choked-out baby kitten . . . 47

Part III

32 pages of my favorite curse words . . . 49

Toughness: An exploration in four parts (Part I: Not letting my wife have a C-section because it's a form of surrender; Part II: Killing a man in El Paso with a salt shaker and a length of shoelace in a dispute over monogrammed versus non-monogrammed household textiles; Part III: Agitation (a pictorial of my happiest scowls); Part IV: Friendships only lead to fondue and other things that aren't wind sprints . . . 81

Part IV

Bronze: It was good enough for the Statue of Liberty, why isn't it a good enough Olympic medal? . . . 132

Intimidation: An exploration in two parts (Part I: Sexy Time -- Employing gruff stare downs to improve your love-making; Part II: Love is never having to say, "I'm sorry I defecated in the upper tank of the toilet" -- A how-to of getting a divorce) . . . 168

Part V

Resignation: How to pretend to keep your job . . . 183


A list of my favorite kinds of oatmeal . . . i

The Hoya Suxa Reader

Hoya Suxa Presents: A Georgetown Tapestry

Hoya Suxa Presents: Georgetown Class Notes: December 2015

Hoya Suxa Presents: Georgetown Industries, Ltd. Product Catalog

Hoya Suxa Presents: The Georgetown Report

Hoya Suxa Presents: Selected Washington Post Clarifications and Retractions

Hoya Suxa Presents: Craigslist

Classic Hoya Suxa: Diagramming Georgetown’s Princeton Offense

Classic Hoya Suxa: Hilarious Pranks to Play on Georgetown

Classic Hoya Suxa: A Day in the Life

Classic Hoya Suxa: I Have a Terrible Medical Condition

Hoya Suxa Presents: The Georgetown Minister of Information

Hoya Suxa Presents: An Abridged Oral History of Georgetown Basketball

Classic Hoya Suxa: Hoya Aesthetics

Hoya Suxa Presents: Some Very Funny Stories Hoyas Tell