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Hoya Suxa Presents: Georgetown’s Head Coach Grading Rubric

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How does John Thompson III grade out?

Florida Gulf Coast v Georgetown Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

Hoya Suxa, the website, no longer exists. Hoya Suxa, the person, still exists. He'll be writing literary masterpieces ahead of the Syracuse-Georgetown game. Abigail Adams is our guide: "I have been to Georgetown and felt all that [a friend] described when she was a resident there. It is the very dirtiest hole I ever saw for a place of any trade, or respectability of inhabitants. . . ."

A

The head coach demonstrates the required skills to maintain the position at Georgetown. Georgetown expects only high caliber work to merit this lofty grade, and it should only be issued to mark exemplary achievement. Skills earning an A include being John Thompson’s son. Related required skills — the ability to be invited to the family gatherings of John Thompson; having the building you work at named after your father; pretending that you’re the head coach when its really your father that’s pulling the strings; having the jowels of Georgetown’s mascot; etc. — are differentiators between low and high A’s.

B

The head coach demonstrates the capability of being John Thompson’s son. Examples of a B grade include: Losing to Florida Gulf Coast as a far superior team in an effort to win a father’s love by recreating, in similar form, John Thompson’s disastrous third place finish in the 1988 Olympics as a heavily favored team; being John Thompson’s mascot; demanding that the athletic office only buy the chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs and not the one’s that “taste like Dad’s poop!”; etc. Please note: All administrators must get approval from John Thompson before assigning a grade lower than B to Georgetown’s head coach.

C

There are two instances where a C is necessary:

  1. The head coach is John Thompson’s son, but the head coach is operating a side hustle where the head coach operates an adorable kitten slaughtering factory. (Please note the specific factual circumstance considered: A C grade should only be given for a non-sanctioned adorable kitten slaughtering factory; if the head coach is running the Georgetown approved and operated adorable kitten slaughtering factory, a program with deep roots at Georgetown, the mark is inappropriate and the action should be disregarded relative to this grading rubric.)
  2. The head coach, somehow, is not John Thompson’s son, but the head coach has a mustache and is named Craig and offers to fly referees to Washington D.C. to watch a game with him but is not necessarily Craig Esherick because this is a broad grading rubric that does not apply a predetermined grade to an individual because of a personal decision to wear hair upon the upper lip and not be a lineal descendant of John Thompson.

D

Are you considering this grade because Georgetown lost to Arkansas State? Radford? DePaul? Northeastern? North Carolina-Asheville? Are you sure those games happened? Related: How long do you want to work here?

F

What is this, I don’t even know.

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