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ACC Basketball: You’re all going on The List, you stupid idiots

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If you stupid idiots want to know why, read on

Syracuse v Marquette
One more word and you know what happens..
Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images

The apologies are done. No more “We’re sorry”. We’re saving the “It’s not their fault” for football. It’s basketball season and time for all of you stupid idiots in the ACC to realize that each and everyone of you are on the list.

How did you get on the list? If you really have to know, then continue on and be sure to Drink It In Man!!!!

Boston College Eagles:

Let’s get right to the point, you’ve never, evvvvvvvverrrr made the Final Four. Providence has made multiple Final Fours. UMass allegedly made a Final Four. Hell, even Rutgers has made a Final Four. You guys play smack dab in a great hoops area and you fired the guy who got you the closest to a Final Four because your former AD didn’t like him. Now we play you twice a year and beating you hurts our RPI.

Clemson Tigers:

Ok, Clemson. We had a deal. Dabney promised at that Perkins in Hilton Head that if he kept the football close, we’d do the same in hoops. Then last year, you come to the Dome and win and say it’s because Boeheim wasn’t coaching. You said that the deal wasn’t valid? No one disrespects Jim’s best friend Mike Hopkins like that buster. No one.

Duke Blue Devils:

NCAA Basketball: NCAA Tournament-West Regional Practice
Nuff said. On the list.
Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports

Just look at that face. Of all the Duke guys you’ve hated, this guy actually does stuff that makes it even easier to hate him. Now he’s picked to be ACC POY? What’s that all aboot?

Florida State Seminoles:
Oh you think we don’t know what you’re doing here Leo Hamilton? You think that would be enough, or that history has its eyes on you? Do you Leo? Well let me tell you....wait for it.....one last time, the story of tonight is that you are helpless. This is my shot and my list and now you’re on it all right Hamilton.

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets:

Basketball is supposed to be exciting to watch, but these guys show up and do the exact opposite. If I wanted to watch something slow, ugly, and lacking in fashion sense, I’d go back and watch a Mick Foley interview.

Louisville Cardinals:

It’s no surprise that your arena is going bankrupt since you spend all your money on white suits and bourbon. I mean what kind of stupid idiot thinks taking money from Taco Bell and KFC is a wise business plan. On a serious note, we might know a couple of people who can make a NCAA trophy disappear, you know in case you need that in the next couple of years.

Miami Hurricanes:

We liked you Larranaga when you were knocking UConn out of the tournament (don’t worry Huskies, you’re on the list too under “Mid-Majors”), but all that goodwill is gone now. Anytime you clowns want to move your home games out of that convention center you call a home arena would be appreciated.

North Carolina Tar Heels:

Let me* figure out a way to say this so former UNC players can understand:

Wale jackasses katika Indy wanaweza kuona nini umefanya kosa, lakini huwezi kuingizwa moja ya kufunga siku za nyuma mtu kama kipaji kama mimi. Wewe kulala juu ya kitanda cha uongo Roy. kitanda cha uongo.

(*Google Translate)

NC State Wolfpack:

Congratulations on being the only school in the country who would be quick to hire the former basketball coach at Alabama. I mean Gilbert Gottfried over there’s got some good recruits, but after they realize they signed to play in Raleigh and not Chapel Hill or Durham, they don’t stick around. A true best friend would be more loyal, that’s for sure.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish:

Mock turtlenecks are not fashionable. Wearing a sport coat and dress shirt without a tie is not fashionable. Put those things together with a couple of days of scruff and you look more like an insurance salesman than a head coach. Of course being an insurance salesman would be a better career choice for the guy who won’t get the Duke job when K retires.

Pittsburgh Panthers:

Congratulations Pitt. You finally got rid of that slick-haired hack Jamie Dixon. We won’t miss him walking out on the floor while his team grabbed and held for 40 minutes. Which up and coming young coach did you get to replace him anyway? What’s that? You hired Gene Stallings? Well at least he’s used to losing early in March too.

Virginia Cavaliers:

To that stupid idiot on the bench last year, Malachi was looking for you at the Final Four, but he couldn’t find you. Since he’s gone, I’ll pass along the message...you’re on the list now.

NCAA Basketball: NCAA Tournament-Midwest Regional-Virginia vs Syracuse
Where are you Caid? I can’t find you in Houston.
Dennis Wierzbicki-USA TODAY Sports

Virginia Tech Hokies:

What kind of grown man calls himself “Buzz”? Did he spend too much time watching Toy Story and dreaming about being a Space Ranger? I’ll tell you what Woody, you should dream about sweating a little bit less. Maybe if you sat down during games instead of running around like a jackass that would be a start.

Wake Forest Demon Deacons:

Do we even have to bother Wake? Only way you’re going to get back to glory days is if Danny Manning hires the parent of a super star recruit and then that recruit carries a bunch of hacks on a miraculous run through March....like that would ever happen.

———

This is long enough and I’m sure all of you stupid idiots have given up having this read to you, but before I go, here’s a message to Seth Davis, Seth Greenberg, Pat Forde and Dougie Fresh Gottlieb....you don’t have to wonder any longer, you’re all going on The List.