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Boeheim's Army is going to win The Basketball Tournament. I know this. You know this. Flying Spaghetti Monster knows this.
How they get there and who they play is the real question. It's a question that you can now answer because The Basketball Tournament has unveiled a bracket challenge on their website.
It's a challenge that I have accepted. Of course, I don't know anything about any team other than Boeheim's Army, so I'm going to make my guesses based on the information provided on the website. Let's be honest, that's as good a strategy as any...
Super 17 Games
Matchup 1: PrimeTime Players vs. Dirty South
Deciding Factor: "GM Willie Ivy, a COO of a debt collections agency, brings an experienced squad that will look to make the other teams in the South Region pay up. " Done!
Winner: Dirty South
Matchup 2: Sean Bell All-Stars vs. Overseas Elite
Deciding Factor: SBAS has a guy named Cliff Clinkscales and OE has a guy named Myck Kabongo. This is a very hard choice. Rucker Park guys can ball but overseas guys bring fundamentals with them.
Winner: Overseas Elite
Matchup 3: Sideline Cancer vs. Team City of Gods
Deciding Factor: Sideline Cancer already gave us one of the best chryons in history. Hopefully this one is "Cancer" vs. "Gods" so we know once for all who will win. In the meantime, gotta go with Sideline Cancer. Good cause.
Winner: Sideline Cancer
Matchup 4: Boeheim's Army vs. Liberty Ballers
Deciding Factor: For real?
Winner: Boeheim's Army
Matchup 5: Illinois Hoopville Warriors vs. Armored Athlete
Deciding Factor: I like IHW's story. So I like them.
Winner: Illinois Hoopville Warriors
Matchup 6: Ants Alumni vs. Notre Dame Fighting Alumni
Deciding Factor: The ND squad has a play-in game before this but the defending champs should win that in front of the Chicago crowd. The team features Ben Hansbrough, Tim Abromaitis, and Luke Harangody. I really want them to win cause I really need Boeheim's Army to beat these guys in the end.
Winner: NDFA
Matchup 7: 7outz vs. Team 23
Deciding Factor: "[7outz] GM Bruce Williams has entered a team that plays to win." That's a unique way of playing basketball, you guys.
Winner: 7outz, obviously.
Matchup 8: LA UNFD vs. Team Utah
Deciding Factor: LA UNFD is led by Bobby Brown, but I don't think it's THAT Bobby Brown. Still...
Winner: LA UNFD
Elite 8 Games
Matchup 1: Dirty South vs. Overseas Elite
Deciding Factor: Overseas Elite actually sounds like they live up to their name. Impressive pedigree.
Winner: Overseas Elite
Matchup 2: Sideline Cancer vs. Boeheim's Army
Deciding Factor: "Boeheim's Army Defeats Cancer"
Winner: Boeheim's Army
Matchup 3: Illinois Hoopsville Warriors vs. Notre Dame Fighting Alumni
Deciding Factor: Emotionally, I'm rooting for IHW. For selfish reasons, I want NDFA.
Winner: NDFA
Matchup 4: 7outz vs. LA UNFD
Deciding Factor: It's Los Angeles vs. Las Vegas. I'll take my chances with Los Angeles...
Winner: 7outz
Final Four Games
Matchup 1: Overseas Elite vs. Boeheim's Army
Deciding Factor: When you've got Baye Keita on your roster, it don't get much more overseas elite than that.
Winner: Boeheim's Army
Matchup 2: Notre Dame Fighting Alumni vs. 7outz
Deciding Factor: It pains me but Go Irish!
Winner: NDFA
Championship Game
Matchup: Boeheim's Army vs. Notre Dame Fighting Alumni
Deciding Factor: For so many reasons I cannot even remember fully in this moment, we HAVE TO win this game. HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO. And so we shall.
Winner: Boeheim's Army
Take the bracket challenge and see if you come to the same conclusion.*
*You better f***ing come to the same conclusion