As you're well aware, Syracuse University is looking for a new athletic director. The successor to DOCTOR Daryl Gross will be an important hire for SU, and this endeavor should not be taken lightly... by the University.
But by us? Why not?
There's no formal list of candidates right now, though I'd direct you to this collection of plausible options to get a sense of who might be available (save then-Utah State AD Scott Barnes, who's officially taken over at Pitt now). There's also another familiar face you might add to that list, who's informally spelled out his qualifications on this site.
What will these candidates be judged against, though? This official job posting from Syracuse University and its search firm, of course!
We'll skip the job description at the top, which reads more like SU's resume and the #BRAND-iest thing you've ever encountered. Instead, let's move on to the qualifications. And how I, your favorite #disloyalidiot and "obvious" candidate, stack up to them.
(The below is my application for the role. Syracuse should totally take me seriously as a result.)
Bachelor's degree, preferably in sports management, business or a related field. Advanced degree is also preferred.
The DOCTOR gets one last reference past the copy editors. Lucky for me, however, they didn't make that advanced degree mandatory. Since I have a bachelor's degree from the lauded Syracuse University (and one of the celebrated schools it shouts about at the top of the application), that's just like an advanced degree, right? Watching Syracuse football games twice every week also awards me an honorary doctor in suffering, I'm sure. Education: CHECK.
EXPERIENCE/ SKILLS REQUIRED
Candidates should demonstrate the following characteristics and qualifications for consideration of the position of Director of Athletics:
- A proven record of executive-level leadership within intercollegiate athletics or a similar industry.
- A strong history of transparent decision making within a large, complex and competitive organization.
- An ability to see the big picture and to put long-term success above short- term expediency.
- A team builder with excellent interpersonal skills who is not afraid to hire people smarter than themselves.
A strong work ethic; excellent listening skills; great attention to detail; the ability to make tough decisions, handle criticism, debate, and seek out feedback; strong negotiation skills.
- I'm an editor of a sports blog. That's executive leadership AND college athletics. I also work in sports during my current day job. CHECK.
- On the first point: I work for two large companies (almost three, really), and I'm demanded to be transparent -- sometimes I'm even TOO transparent! As far as seeing long-term success over sort-term expediency, I watch Syracuse football every fall with the hope that it will pay off someday. CHECK.
- This bullet's probably a dig at GROSS's regime. Again, my Syracuse football fandom shows that there ARE people smarter than me. So I'll make it a point to locate those people and hire them... Unless they went to Georgetown, then eff'em. CHECK.
- My jobs are to talk and write, aka "communicate." I endorse a "come at me, bro" style of commenter interaction which has allowed me to carve out an insufferable niche within the SU fanbase. Listening and negotiating? I'm married. That's part of the deal. CHECK.
Job Specific Qualifications
EXPERIENCE/ SKILLS REQUIRED
- An excellent communicator who can clearly and effectively represent Syracuse University and its athletics program to all constituencies.
- An outstanding track record of compliance and commitment to the principles and bylaws of the National Collegiate Athletic Association.
A proven ability to fundraise for and manage major capital projects.
- Exhibit A and Exhibit B. I willingly discuss Syracuse every second of every day. My desk is covered in Orange paraphernalia. As long as you're okay with a few shouted F-Bombs during games, I can effectively represent Syracuse just fine. CHECK.
- Which principles and bylaws specifically? Profiting on collegiate sports while the ones who actually do the work make zero dollars? Yes, I'm already committed to that. CHECK.
- I'm a blogger... Uhhhh. Pass?
SPECIFIC RESPONSIBILITIES (there are a lot of these, so we'll address one at a time for easier reading)
Lead Syracuse University's intercollegiate athletic department.
Can't really do that until you have the job. CHECK.
Oversee all athletics department personnel, including coaches, staff and administrators, in a team-oriented work environment with a commitment to diversity and inclusion.
That sounds like something I can do, and is related to things I currently do. Perfect! CHECK.
Provide efficient fiscal management of the athletic department's budget and operations in a cost-effective manner.
My wife manages our savings account for the most part. Can she come along to help? (if so) CHECK.
Enhance student-athlete welfare by creating and upholding high standards both on and off the field.
If you can ignore the craft beer drinking and generous profanity, I'd say this check out. CHECK.
Seek to achieve maximum success in all sports in ways that are consistent with the University's educational mission.
"Hey team, go win games and get good grades too!" CHECK.
Be the public face of the University's intercollegiate athletics program, working with all internal and external constituencies in furtherance of the department's contribution to the University's educational mission.
I thought Otto was the face of the athletic program. How many times would I have to be the "face" in Syracuse? How do we feel about "New York's College Team in Los Angeles?" I can be the face... it'll just be on my own terms. CHECK.
Coordinate the department's marketing efforts.
I'm in PR. I get #BRAND. End. CHECK.
Serve as an active member of the Chancellor's Executive Leadership Team.
Why, yes! I'd love to! Where should my list of ideas start? How many whiteboard brainstorms do I get to lead? When do the craft beer stands arrive? When do I get to join the "Council of 44?" How much PLATINUM can I remove from the school's uniforms on day one? When does the John C. Cassillo II Hall of Disloyalty open? I'm eager! Let me run! CHECK.
Physical requirements: "Not Applicable."
Phew. That was close. CHECK.
As you can tell from the above, I might be the most qualified candidate out there. So Syracuse, stop the search and don't even accept applications. I won't be submitting one, since I already posted here. I'll send you this link, however, if you'd like.
... And as a reminder: #John44SUAD