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Hoya Suxa Presents: The Georgetown Report

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Staggering perfection from Hoya Suxa.

Spencer Platt/Getty Images

Hoya Suxa, the website, no longer exists. Hoya Suxa, the person, still exists. He'll be writing literary masterpieces ahead of the renewed Syracuse-Georgetown rivalry. Abigail Adams is our guide: "I have been to Georgetown and felt all that [a friend] described when she was a resident there. It is the very dirtiest hole I ever saw for a place of any trade, or respectability of inhabitants. . . ."

THE GEORGETOWN REPORT

HOT: Diversified portfolios that take advantage of low interest rates and feature a mix of aggressive and conservative positions in securities, bonds, and other financial instruments.
NOT: Having the wrong parents.

IN: Crystal stemware; cufflinks; pastel cashmere sweaters; embarrassing family secrets; the existence of David Brooks; a subscription to Cigar and Wads of Money magazine; fountains shaped like dolphins; wristwatch faces the size of a cookiewich.
OUT: Emotional cores.

DO: Let Madeline know that she has the complexion of a brick and that she's not allowed to come around the tennis club again until she tells that deadbeat boyfriend of hers that "Members Only" refers to an inheritable right earned from their parent's success and not a brand of jacket. 
DON'T: Be Madeline.

TRENDING UP: My opinion of myself.
TRENDING DOWN: Perceived jealousy.

YES!: Having a spirit animal.
NO!: Having a spirit animal that rents instead of owns.

BEST THING YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT: There's this company -- InExel Pharmaceuticals. They're working on a drug that has the potential to eradicate hepatitis. Nobody is in on this thing right now and it's going to change the world. You need this stock
WORST THING YOU KNOW ABOUT: Microcap stock fraud.

LIKE: Instagram selfies with a sunset backdrop.  
DISLIKE: Your only objective in life is to die.

THUMBS UP: Doomsday Preppers.
THUMBS DOWN: Finding out that Doomsday Preppers isn't about rich kids in popped collars majoring in Bond Villain at Georgetown.

FOUR STARS: Real Chinese food. No, like, real Chinese food. You have to eat it with chopsticks and it isn't too greasy and the restaurant doesn't look like a nuclear fallout shelter from 1963.
NO STARS: Actual diversity.

BUY: Heart-shaped pancakes.
SELL: Help that never gets it right.