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The Guide for a Single Orangeman...or Orangewoman

Eighteen tips for the Orange and lonely.

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Hey, remember me? I used to write for this site on occasion. You probably wrote a negative comment toward me at one point or another. I’ve been away for awhile doing some paid writing tasks. Like publishing two novels. Yes, two novels at once. The Guide for a Single Man and The Guide for a Single Woman. No one has ever done that before. They came out simultaneously on October 28. They can be read in either order to tell the full story of one night of bar-hopping and pickups in New York City from two different points-of-view.

When you have new books coming out, you become a shameless marketer and have a desperate need to appear on every single website in the entire world. So I rung up my old buddy Sean and asked him how I could promote my completely-unrelated-to-Syracuse books on his completely-Syracuse website. And, he said, "Why don’t you Buzzfeed-ify them into a post?" So I did.

The Guide for a Single Orangeman...or Woman

It can be tough balancing life as a rabid Syracuse sports fan...and as a single person. Trying to find the pulse on your dating life while at the same time constantly fretting about Trevor Cooney’s shooting stroke, who can prioritize? That’s why I thought, as a no-longer-single Orangeman (I met my wife at a 2010 round-of-32 gamewatch, natch), I’d give you single Orangemen and Orangewomen my guide to help you all out. Here’s what I’ve learned...

1. A Hoffman’s coney is considered an aphrodisiac in most of Central New York.

2. Never temper your Orange fandom just for a chance at coitus with an opposing team’s fan.

3. Orangewomen who sport "Real Kids Wear Orange" t-shirts may be hot and skinny, but they're inevitably crazy.

4. No Orangeman has ever gotten laid with this on his head:

5. Club 44 is a great place to meet your next sugar daddy.

And if he’s on the Board of Trustees, maybe you’ll get to add your two cents about the next football coach hiring during pillow talk.

6. When flirting with a young coed at Chuck’s, try not to mention you used to crush "splits" at "’4’s" down the street when you were in college a million years ago.

7. The Dunk & Bright "Action in the Lane" contest is a great chance to show 30,000 cheering Orange fans (many of them single) what you’d look like if any one of them where to give you some action...while you were reclined in a cheap pleather barcalounger.

8. Forget Tindr, the forums are a swell place to meet likeminded maniacs in your area.

Many of whom will opt for a Carmelo Anthony replica jersey overtop a white turtleneck for your first date at Tully’s.

9. "Playing doctor" can add some roleplaying spice to a single Orange’s sex life. "Playing Doctor Gross" will only lead to embarrassing losses, bloated budgets, and unyielding impotence.

10. "It’s 10 o’clock and Georgetown still sucks. Do you?" is not the kind of pickup line that will ever lead to fellatio.

11. However, "Would you like me to introduce you to ‘Mr. Excitement’?" has been known to work on occasion.

12. Single Orange ladies, stripping down to your skivvies in the Carrier Dome will only garner male attention if you can also hit a f*cking open three-pointer.

13. And, forget Victoria’s Secret, Manny’s has the sexiest lingerie for a single Orangewoman.

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14. But, no woman wants to come back to your bedroom and find this sad display:

15. For single Orange fans, the safest sex is in wearing an entire branded body condom.

Because no potential sexual partner will ever get near you.

16. Sting may be a tantric sex practitioner, but a Syracuse fan proud of his prowess should inform potential bedmates he can "Go 6 OTs."

17. Fittingly, Syracuse plays Duke on Valentine’s Day this year. If your newest squeeze considers the Carrier Dome an acceptable venue for "date night," then you’ve got yourself a keeper.

Postgame, take him or her back to the Comfort Inn on Carrier Circle ASAP and request the "Rony Seikaly Master Suite."

18. Finally, Orange friends, my newest novels The Guide for a Single Man and The Guide for a Single Woman are now available at AmazonKindleBarnes & Noble, and you can even get personalized autographed copies here. I think you’ll like them.
Best of all, Nunes Magician readers get a 20% discount when bundles are ordered straight from my publisher FG Press! Please use special offer code: NUNES

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is a Syracuse grad and author living in New York. He wrote the weekly "It’s Taco Time in the Salt City" column during Syracuse’s last Final Four season (2012-2013). Those facts are indisputably related.