Ranking The Dorian's Greek God Sandwiches Based On One A.M. Cravings

It's been a while since I was in college. I've changed a lot, and, I imagine, so has college. But if there's anything I know to be evergreen, unwavering and steadfast, it is the The Twelve Greek God Sandwiches of Dorian's.

I don't care when you went to Syracuse and I don't care what you usually eat. When it's one in the morning on a Saturday or Sunday morning, you're going to pick up the phone, you're going to call Dorian's and you're going to order one of these twelve sandwiches.

Let's rank them.

12. Demetra (veggies w/cheese & Italian dressing) - A veggie sandwich at 1 a.m.? What's the f***ing point?

11. Poseidon (tuna fish, coleslaw & provolone) - Nothing good can come from eating tuna fish, especially warm tuna fish, after a night of downing Whisky Sours. Nothing. Good.

10. Hera (turkey w/Italian dressing and provolone) - There's nothing wrong with the Hera at 1 p.m. It feels like the quintessential 1 p.m. sandwich. But we're not talking about 1 p.m., we're talking about 1 a.m.

9. Dionysus (ham, coleslaw, Swiss, Russian dressing) - Ham? You're hungrier than you've ever been in your life (again) and you want ham? You're a weirdo.

8. Hermes (corned beef, coleslaw, Swiss, Russian dressing) - The p***** version of the Apollo.

7. Apollo (corned beef, sauerkraut, Swiss, Russian dressing) - The worst-named sandwich, at least in terms of what's in it. Eat an Apollo and then try to run from one Euclid block to the next one. Good luck with that.

6. Pluto (pastrami, coleslaw, Swiss, Russian dressing) - Late night pastrami sounds like a dicey proposition. You have to think long-term (if you can) and you don't want the feeling and/or taste that only comes with having strings of pastrami stuck in your teeth when you wake up. Chills...

5. Aphrodite (ham, turkey, peppers, provolone, mayo) - Forget what I said about ham. When paired with turkey and some peppers, the game changes. This might be your best bet if you've got a friend coming over tonight or tomorrow morning. Your breath will only be terrible instead of unconscionable, same goes for your stomach.

4. Aris (capicola, salami, provolone, Italian dressing) - Wrap yourself in an Italian flag, put on Season Three of The Sopranos, chow down and wake up tomorrow morning to whatever sloppy drippings fell out during the late night feeding and are resting comfortably on your chest.

3. Athena (roast beef, roasted red peppers, provolone, parmesan, Italian dressing) - She's not the best but she's a solid, stomach-soaking sandwich that gets the job done. The Baye Moussa Keita of Dorian's sandwiches.

2. Zeus (roast beef, BBQ sauce, mozzarella) - Like the God of sky and thunder himself, this sandwich is meaty, powerful and will shove a thunderbolt down your colon so hard, you'll crap a Titan the next morning. Zeus is known for his erotic escapades and let me tell you something, Sonny Jim, nothing's sexier than a Zeus-eater with a face full of BBQ sauce. Nothing.

1. Artemis (chicken cutlet, ham, Swiss & Russian dressing) - It says that you have a choice between mustard and Russian dressing but that's not accurate. You order Russian dressing or the delivery person shows up and hits you with a mallet. The closest thing at SU to a Grease Truck sandwich, it's the quintessential Fourth Meal. Go F yourself, Taco Bell. And do it with an Artemis, the only Dorian's song to inspire its own rap song.