Doug Marrone has closed Syracuse Orange football spring practice to the media and fans indefinitely. And so while we can't know for sure what's happening on the gridiron, we can certainly make it up.
Below is a fake account of what's going on at spring practice. Of course, there's a chance all of this is true, so you might as well presuppose it.
QB - With a focus on a multidimensional offense that uses the quarterback's legs as well as his arm, Doug Marrone isn't waiting for his prototype to come to him, he's making one out of the quarterbacks he has. Literally.
Marrone, along with Nate Hackett's steady hand, has assembled his favorite pieces of all his quarterbacks in order to form the most perfect quarterback for this open attack offense. He's incorporated Ryan Nassib's melon head, Ridiculously-Good-Looking Charley Loeb's 5th Avenue good looks, Ashton Broyld's agile legs and feet, Terrel Hunt's Breakline Fragrance-drenched torso and John Kinder's rocket arms.
All non-usable parts (Nassib's legs, for example) are being stored in the same vault deep below Manley Field House where they keep Mikhail Marinovich's mustache, a living, breathing Otto the Orange and Greg Robinson.
To date, Marrone has been unable to reanimate this nightmare creature and is a large of part of why he's closed practice to the media and stopped answering phone calls from the families of the quarterbacks.
RB - Still upset with Prince Tyson-Gulley for not having the moves to avoid his stabbing last year, RB coach Tyrone Wheatley has chased PTG around the field wielding a bo staff since last Tuesday. So far, Prince has avoided contact.
WR - An awkward scene emerged Saturday when Marcus Sales was told he would be expected to catch footballs in games that aren't NCAA-sanctioned bowl games. Better to solve that miscommunication now than in week 7.
Jeremiah Kobena has been a standout so far this spring, catching seven touchdowns. The only WR with more touchdown receptions so far is Jeremiah Kobena's Hair with 9.
TE - Syracuse players were told last Tuesday that practice will be opened to the media as soon as freshman Ron Thompson dropped a pass that was thrown to him. He has yet to drop one and practice remains closed. The people at Guinness Book of World Records have been notified.
Meanwhile, Beckett Wales has been seen during most practices wearing the finest, Asian silk robes while standing on a giant map of Europe, plotting the Kingdom of Prussia's demise.
OL - Macky MacPherson has been struggling at the center position so far. His play on the field has been decent but dealing with his grandfather, Dick MacPherson, has been the main point of trouble. Sources that Coach Mac waits on the sidelines all day, staring Macky down. When he botches a snap or loses in the Oklahoma Drill, Dick calls his grandson over and spanks him 44 times with a reed just like they did in his day when men were men. MacPherson is day-to-day with a sore bum.
DL - For their good play so far, 324-pound lineman Ryan Sloan and 332-pound nose tackle Eric Crume were given their coach of walk-on to devour whole. Mitchell Piaseki will be missed.
LB - No one has seen any of the squad's linebackers since Tuesday when defensive coordinator Scott Shafer told them the starting spots would be determined Hunger Games-style. A Cornucopia was set up in the middle of the Drumlins Golf Course choked full of weapons and other amenities. A reported bloodbath of day one was led by sophomore Dyshawn Davis, a "Career" on the team. Those interested in parachuting in supplies for the surviving linebackers, please inquire with SU Athletics. Those interested in supporting Zachary McCarrell need not reach out...
DB - Shamarko Thomas emerged as this year's jokester. He spent most of Thursday pushing defensive coaching staff cars from the Manley Field House lot to South Campus. Each car was then tickets 47 times by SU Public Safety for a variety of convoluted reasons.
K/P - Field goal kicking duties seem to be Ross Krautman's to lose. And if Ryan Lichtenstein can catch him during their cross-country Death Race, then he will lose them and much, much more. They were last spotted entering Michigan, where marauders were awaiting their arrival.
Meanwhile, Riley Dixon is having a tough spring so far. He's being forced to play in full private school regalia, including sports jacket and ascot. It's not helping matters that he keeps asking his longsnapper to call out plays in Latin.