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Rutgers Controls New York City

This is my street.  You guys have no idea what it's like out here. via <a href=""></a>
This is my street. You guys have no idea what it's like out here. via

In case you guys don't know, I live in New York City.  It's pretty great living here sometimes.  For instance, you can get delivery at 4:00 A.M. of a bronzed cow wearing a silly party hat if you're willing to tip enough.  What isn't so great, though, is that Rutgers totally owns New York City. 

I'm serious: Rutgers absolutely owns New York City.  It's kind of nuts thinking about it right now because until recently, I hadn't even really noticed it.  After a little rumination, though, I'm not at all surprised that the ACC and Big Ten and FIFA and whoever else is drooling about the possibility of bringing Rutgers into the fold.

Just look at that picture up there. Do you notice anything that screams "This is Scarlet Knights Territory!"?  You might not at first but that's because you don't know New York City's greatest secret: The town has a ridiculously high population of invisible people.  No foolin'!  They're everywhere!  In that picture alone are approximately 148,000 invisible people, all crammed together and shuffling down the street like one of those old timey Little Italy pictures taken during the Great Depression.

That's not even the weirdest thing, though: Virtually all of the invisible people in New York City are Rutgers fans.  Sure, visible people living in New York City also root for Rutgers -- the guy that sweeps the floor, the guy that carelessly throws his garbage on the floor so it can be swept, etc.  That aside, however, you would not believe the volume of invisible people that love Rutgers football and basketball. 

This is important for two reasons:

  1. All invisible Rutgers fans constantly watch college football and basketball.  Look: I like college basketball and college football, but even I think that the invisible Rutgers fans' obsession is a little over the edge.  Hell, if they're not at home watching on their invisible televisions in their invisible apartments, they actually watch college basketball and football games on little invisible portable satellite televisions. 

    All day, every day; it's like they don't have invisible jobs to go to with all the college basketball and football they watch.  Big Ten, ACC, Big East . . . it doesn't matter. These invisible people take it all in, especially if the games are televised on a basic cable package or some other media delivery platform that provides value to collegiate athletic conferences. 

    You probably didn't know this because Nielsen ratings don't include invisible people.  Nielsen knows that this is a gap in their survey methodology but there is little they can do about it. 

  2. Invisible Rutgers fans are willing to go to great lengths to satisfy their appetite for college basketball and football.

You don't believe me? Take a look at those cars on the street. Pretty normal, right?


First of all, the positioning of those vehicles is the result of strategic planning from invisible Rutgers fans. Second, those aren't just cars, they're "Mobile Media Interception and Distribution Assets." These assets intercept cable, satellite, and over-the-air television signals and replace the programming with college basketball and football content. For example, I have no idea if Dexter killed crazy John Lithgow because every time I flip to Showtime all I get is Tim Pernetti football highlights from 1991 (it's just a looped clip of him almost making a routine catch against West Virginia).

I thought Time Warner was just playing a trick on me.  It turns out that it was these invisible Rutgers fans.  Man, they sure love watching college sports on their invisible televisions. 

Next, do you notice those elevated train tracks?  Yup?  Well, the trains that run on those tracks go direct to New Jersey and into High Point Solution Stadium and the Rutgers Athletic Center.  I wish I was making this stuff up.  Invisible Rutgers fans love their college football and college basketball so much that they don't like to spend time on the maze-like New York City subway that takes you everywhere but Staten Island and New Jersey.  No way, man.  The big invisible Rutgers lobby gets what the big invisible Rutgers lobby wants, and what the big invisible Rutgers lobby wants is special ghost trains that hardly anybody knows about to carry invisible college basketball and football fans that almost nobody ever sees. 

And these trains, of course, are outfitted with invisible televisions that only broadcast college football and basketball, watched exclusively by hundreds of thousands of invisible Rutgers fans.

Finally, do you see that storefront over there on the left? Grand?  Yup, that's the one.  There's thousands of those in New York City.  It's not actually a liquor store, which is just depressing.  It's actually a front operated by invisible Rutgers fans.  These buildings are what invisible people call a "Media Re-Education, Integration, and Detention Playhouse."  These locations serve three purposes:

  1. To "persuade" local media outlets to air Rutgers football and basketball highlights during their newscasts.  Now, invisible Rutgers fans aren't stupid; they only want local New York City newscats to air positive Rutgers highlights. 

    So, now you know why Rutgers was on the 11:00 news in New York City that one time:  If Russ Salzburg didn't show Louisville crapping its pants in Piscataway, like, forever ago, his wife would've had her neck cut with an invisible Scarlet Knight sword by invisible Rutgers fans holding her hostage.

  2. To house ball pits.  Invisible Rutgers fans love ball pits.

  3. To provide in-plain-sight slave labor factories.  This is a genius move from the invisible Rutgers fans, even if it's ruthless.  Here's an outline of the plan: manufacture products that are utter garbage for pennies on the dollar; use excess piles of cash purchase advertising time with carriers of college football and basketball programming; consume college basketball and football programming on invisible televisions; make subsequent sales of utter garbage produced for pennies on the dollar -- Giant Cupcake, pajama jeans, etc. -- to visible people for large mark-up; restart the entire process.  It's like horizontal and vertical integration!  The invisible Rutgers fans are able to propagate the situation infinitely!

There's more I can tell about invisible Rutgers fans in New York City, but I've already written too much.  If you don't hear from me in five days, send help.