So, around 9pm last night, I'm sitting at the kitchen table next to my front window, editing SBNation.com, when all of a sudden a hear a loud bang/metal screech coming from out of view just outside.
For some reason, my brain thinks its a motorcycle revving or something. Billy the Wonder Cuse Pup leaps up and freaks out. My wife, who is watching TV from the couch and has a direct view to the area of the noise, which also happens to be the area where my car is parked, exclaims, "Someone just hit your car! And they're driving away!"
Now, I'm not a angry man. I'm more apt to avoid confrontation than to face it head-on. I played high school football for half a season my freshman year but quit because it just wasn't for me. I've only ever really been in one actual fight in my entire life and I'm pretty sure I didn't even get a punch off.
What I'm telling is that I'm not the kind of person to rip open my front door, see the SUV tearing ass around the corner and then burst into a full sprint...shoeless...and chase the SUV for as long as I can so that I can catch the license plate number and, God willing, confront the driver.
So it came as quite a shock even to me when I ripped open my front door, saw the SUV tearing ass around the corner, burst into a full sprint...shoeless...and chased the SUV for as long as I could.
Alas, I'm not the spry, young gelding I used to be. Plus the fact that, although I don't think the driver knew I was giving chase, was clearly trying to get to the next zip code as soon as possible. So I didn't catch the license plate and I only have a vague sense of the truck (a late 90's-esque Chevy Blazer-type). I hobbled back home, caught my breath and girded all of my loins as I looked at my car.
It wasn't that bad, honestly. Few scratches, a small piece of the bumper popped up and a bent license plate. I mean, had the person gotten out of their car, apologized profusely, offered to pay for all of the damage...I would have said "no harm, no foul" and sent them on their way. My '04 Chevy Malibu ain't worth the hassle.
Now? I want blood. I'm scraping the road in front of my car for DNA. I'm interviewing neighbors, trying to pry every little detail from their memories. I'm eying up every SUV I pass by, stopping to look over their rear bumpers for any silver paint and scuff marks.
I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
I got to thinking, though. Was this all just a coincidence? Or was there a sinister plot at play here?
I began to think this was all part of someone's master plan to shut me up and shut me down. I've seen The Insider, I know how this works.
I'm pretty sure it started with that egg salad sandwich I got from Whole Foods last week. It wasn't awful but it wasn't great. It was mildly disappointing. I didn't know it at the time but that was Step 1.
Step 2 was the car incident.
Step 3...I don't know where this is going. But I have some ideas as to who might be behind it...
Paul Pasqualoni/George DeLeone - I've been having some fun with Coach P and his dead-eyed stare that's supposed to inspire UConn fans. He might have been sending a message. And if that's the case, I have to assume George DeLeone was driving. He does all of P's dirty work.
Dana Holgersen - Can you imagine that guy behind the wheel of a car? I bet it's a good day when he DOESN'T hit and run someone.
The Causal Hoya Editorial Team - That was your first thought too, right? And then you thought, "Well, Georgetown graduates don't know how to operate a car," and then it hit you..."EXACTLY!"
Troy Nunes - I've gotten the distinct feeling lately Troy is souring on the whole idea of this site. If he wanted to send a message...understood.
Dave Wannstedt - I know I said it was an SUV, but it was dark...it certainly could have been a Camaro IROC-Z.
Mookie Jones - In his mind, he left my car in 5,000 tiny pieces.
The Jew-Run Liberal Elite Media - Maybe Glenn Beck was right all along...