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Is John Marinatto and the Big East Ready for the Rapture?

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You guys! 

Judgment Day is only a few hours away.  I know, right?  I should totally stock up on toilet paper, milk, and bread. 

Or do you only do that for snow storms, hurricanes, and when visitors from out of town come to stay at your house?  I don't know.  It's hard keeping things straight right now, considering blood is about to fall from the sky, and I really don't think my dry cleaner is going to be able to get that out of my shirts.

Anyway, enough about my Judgment Day issues.  You know who really has a problem right now?  John Marinatto and the rest of the Big East Conference big-wigs.  I'm not talking about the league's television contract problems or all of this nonsense about conference expansion.  I'm talking about something bigger, man.

What I'm worried about is that, like, half of the conference is disappearing before the end of the weekend.

I'm serious, guys.  This is a big, big problem.  Just take a look at this:

THE BIG EAST CONFERENCE
INSTITUTION TYPE
University of Cincinnati Public
University of Connecticut Public
DePaul University Catholic
Georgetown University Catholic/Stupid
University of Louisville Public
Marquette University Catholic
University of Notre Dame Catholic
University of Pittsburgh Public
Providence College Catholic
Rutgers University Public
St. John's University Catholic
Seton Hall University Catholic
University of South Florida Public
Syracuse University Non-Sectarian
Texas Christian University Christian
Villanova University Catholic
West Virginia University Public

This is it, man.  God is coming to pronounce judgment and he is taking all of the Big East's true-believing sectarian institutions with him.  They're going with the Lord, and there isn't a damn thing that Marinatto can do about it.  Even that knucklehead Mike Tranghese would be totally screwed in this situation. 

What's even worse is that those that are not swept up to the great beyond are staring down Biblical punishment.  This can't be good for all of us heathen-supporting fans that remain on our earthquake ravaged planet.  I have a sneaking suspicion that the punishment for all of the remaining schools is that they are going to have to extend a Heaven-mandated invitation to Memphis and Central Florida to join its Christ-partitioned conference. 

Gross.

This is kind of what Dante warned us about, you guys.