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Government Shutdown: How Will Syracuse Fans Survive?

The TNIAAM 2 Person Premium Backpack Survival Kit
The TNIAAM 2 Person Premium Backpack Survival Kit

So, America is about to go out of business. There will be inconveniences, like some of you not getting paid or not being able visit national parks or being able to get a passport. Bummers, sure, but there might also be serious consequences.

Let's find out how the government shutdown affects Syracuse Athletics:

  • Cutbacks will force Doug Marrone to limit his bologna and Gatorade intake to three sandwiches & three 48 oz. bottles per day, down 75%.
  • Funding for upcoming Syracuse Basketball Theme Songs could be affected. The school may be forced to recycle Shut It Down and Unfinished Business, combining them into one super-anthem, "Shut The Unfinished Business Down."
  • Jim Boeheim's all-time win total reduced to 755 to cut down on emissions.
  • The Melo Center fund reduction forces building to be temporary renamed The Cipolla Center.
  • Spring practices will be moved to Brockway Dining Hall in order to save money on lighting. Freshmen to be used in lieu of precious tackling dummies.
  • John Galloway must play goalie the rest of the season without a stick or padding.
  • To cut down on travel costs, Syracuse Football's upcoming road game against USC will now be against University of Schenectady City.
  • To cut down on travel costs, Syracuse Basketball will not leave New York or New Jersey until late January.  Oh...
  • To cut down on travel costs, all future Syracuse Lacrosse games will be decided through a series of Top Chef Quickfire Challenges in Kimmel Dining Hall.
  • Syracuse will cancel it's Swimming & Diving Program. Oh...
  • Without enough security to protect the University and its computers, UConn athletes will not allowed on campus for the duration of the shutdown.

Meanwhile, it's a scary time for Syracuse fans. What if this is just the beginning of the end? What if Glenn Beck was right all along?

Then you need to be prepared. You need to have the supplies ready in order to survive days, months and even years without Syracuse Athletics.

The TNIAAM 2 Person Premium Backpack Survival Kit is here. Our 2 Person Backpack Survival Kit supports 2 Syracuse fans for 3 days and should be kept in your home or car. It includes enough emergency food, Gatorade, shelter, first aid, light, Syracuse pendants and other supplies necessary for surviving in the wilderness or after a major Syracuse sports disaster.

With this TNIAAM 2 person backpack survival kit, you will not be cold, you can eat, drink, boil water, signal rescue, provide first aid, hate Georgetown, explain how Jim Boeheim is a better coach than Jim Calhoun, and have the survival tools necessary to help sustain yourself until you get rescued, find yourself to safety or the Orange advance past the Sweet Sixteen of the NCAA Tournament. These are the survival items you need to keep yourself and another alive during a SU sports emergency.

Your pack includes:

  • (1) Tri-Fold Shovel - dig fire pit, trench around shelter, break ground for an entirely new Carrier Dome in case nuclear disaster destroys original.
  • (2) Work Gloves - Clearing brush, cutting branches, gathering bedding material, strangling wild West Virginia fans.
  • (1) Pocket Chainsaw - Military version - Works very well. Doug Marrone uses these to shave.
  • (1) Sierra Cup - 8oz metal cup for gathering, boiling water, cooking and drinking Gatorade.
  • (1) Jumbo Sierra Cup - 14oz larger size metal cup/bowl. Boil more water, drink Gatorade like a man instead of like a f**king p***y with your 8oz cup.
  • (2) Light My Fire Sporks - Spoon, Fork, and Knife all in one. Great for stabbing Georgetown fans.
  • (1) 444 Cord - 44 foot length; 7 inner strands; numerous football field uses, great for quick-step drills.
  • (1) Button Compass - To find buttons, I guess.
  • (6) Chem Light - 12 hour light stick. Use for 3 nights while you surround basketball court and provide light for Boeheim's squad.
  • (1) Candle - have light in your shelter. If candle goes out, the Calhoun Shadow Monster will find you and eat you.
  • (1) Sewing Kit - to repair Syracuse uniforms after each practice and game.
  • (1) Multi Tool - 15 function. Lots of functionality for a knife. Useful pliers. Great for torturing football players during spring practice.
  • (1) Army Knife - For making sure the Army Lacrosse team never shows their face around here again.
  • (1) 100' Trip Wire/Snare Wire - Great for lashings and ensnaring McDonald's All-Americans.
  • (1) Adirondack Hiking Backpack - In case the American and Syracuse governments shut down, take necessities with you to the Adirondack Mountains where you can meet up with a cast of interesting and distinct people with their own points of view and experiences that led all of them to this place where you can restart society, rebuild Syracuse University and restart it's athletics programs. And kill zombies.

God speed to all of you. See you in Canada.