Indiana: The Worst State In The Union

You've felt this for a while, haven't you? It's nudged at you every time you watch a Colts game or see Lou Holtz on TV or listen to Bob Knight yell at someone, in your subconscious all you can hear is...

Indiana is terrible. Indiana is terrible. Indiana is terrible.

Don't want to believe me? Feel my logic. Feel it long. Feel it hard, Trebek.

8,000 BC - The first people to live in what is now Indiana were the Paleo-Indians. They were total dicks. They were known for hanging out at the local hut, popping their mastodon fur collars and cat-calling females as they walked by, thrusting their stone tools like phallic symbols.

1679 - French explorer René-Robert Cavelier, Sieur de La Salle is the first European to cross into Indiana. He reached present-day South Bend where he met a group of locals who wouldn't shut up about how good their wheel-rolling teams were fifty years ago.

1702 - The first trading post was established by Sieur Juchereau. The only items they had to trade were cigarettes and 8,000 year old mastodon furs.

1715 - Sieur de Vincennes built Fort Miami at Kekionga. It didn't become a successful fort until he moved it to South Florida in 1980.

1775 - During the American Revolutionary War, military officer George Rogers Clark defeated the British in Vincennes and Fort Sackville. Incidentally, Fort Sackville was what they called Charlie Weis' house when he lived there.

1787 - Present-day Indiana became part of the Northwest Territory. The Northwest Territory killed itself a year later.

1813 - Corydon becomes the second capital of the Indiana Territory. No one cared.

1816 - Indiana is admitted into the United States as the 19th state. To this day, 19, not 13 or 666, is considered the unluckiest number in the world.

1816 - The state's first constitution was drawn up. It was mostly just a collection of William Henry Harrison's incoherent ramblings on the proper way to wash one's self after visiting a brothel. Also, it was written on a prostitute's back.

1820 - Indiana University is founded as "State Seminary." Tired of young people snickering as they read the name out front, the name was later changed.

1825 - The state capital was moved from Corydon to Indianapolis. Again, no one cared.

Early 1800's - The largest immigrant group to settle in Indiana were Germans, Irish and English. We were thisclose to the Notre Dame Fightin' Germans, which would have been awkward 100 years later. But awesome in an ironic way 75 years after that.

1830's - The first instance of "Hoosiers" showed up in Indiana. The term was said to be derivation of "hoozer," a term for woodsmen or rough hill people. Sounds about right.

1861 - Indiana was assigned a quota of 7,500 men to join the Union Army during the Civil War. The state was able to raise over 200,000 soldiers but the Union Army told them, "Seriously, no more than 7,500. We cannot stand any more of you than that. For real."

1865 - Indiana State is founded as the Indiana State Normal School. Educators felt the name was misleading given how abnormal the local populous was and changed it accordingly.

1925 - Haynes-Apperson is the nation's first commercially successful auto company, operated in Kokomo. Were they any good? Well, have you ever heard of them before? No? Well, there you go.

1930s - Indiana, like the rest of the nation, was affected by the Great Depression. Though in their case, it was due to the realization that they all lived in Indiana.

1901 - Indiana University begins playing basketball. They are 1-4. You'd think they would have just given up then and there, but, oh well.

1979 - French Licker Larry Bird leads Indiana State to the National Title Game. It's the greatest moment in Indiana State history. They lose. To a team from Michigan. A state school, no less.

1984 - Jim Irsay moves the Baltimore Colts to Indianapolis. From here on out, America has to come to terms with the fact that Indianapolis has a pro football team but Los Angeles does not.

1987 - Indiana defeats Syracuse in the NCAA Title Game, the worst thing the state has ever been responsible for.

1995 - Notre Dame joins the Big East for all sports except football. There's a direct correlation between the decline of the conference and that moment. Look it up.

2004 - Purdue defeats Syracuse 51-0 in the opening game of the football season. Dicks.

2007 - Notre Dame scores 103 points in the Carrier Dome to beat Syracuse. Shame on them.

2010 - Butler (from Indiana) defeats Syracuse in the Sweet Sixteen. The second worst thing the state has ever been responsible for.

2011 - Indiana State sticks a towel on top of a mop and thinks they can beat Syracuse's 2-3 Zone. The third worst thing the state has ever been responsible for.