"One-Nooner Stand"

Yesterday's nooner, was like that horrible, drunken, terrible mistaken one-night-stand you had Freshman year. You know the one, with that girl with the very intense lazy eye, who drinks big gulps of diet Mountain Dew and has names for all 9 of her imaginary cats.

It was an ugly, dirty, nasty, gross, disgusting affair. You bathe yourself in scalding hot water afterwards, but the smell just won't quite go away. You tell yourself, this was just a one-time mistake, surely you won't get that drunk again. You do everything in your power to forget about it, wipe that memory straight from your brain. If there was an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind procedure to be done, you'd have it. But...

You can't quite forget, because Ol' Lazy Eye lives a few doors down from you in Day Hall. She's constantly coming around and in spite of your best judgment, you end up seeing her pretty much every weekend. And you spend your weeks hearing stories about her. And you think about switching to an ACC school to get away from her, but you guys are kind of tied at the hip and she'll be there too if you go. So what do you do?

You insult her and criticize her and try to change her. You threaten to break up with her. Explain to her why no one else loves her. When that doesn't work, you make all sorts of excuses and rationalizations: "Her breasts sans nipples and aerolas are actually pretty nice."  and "She tries hard in bed, in a way that prettier, more sane girls don't." You compare her to ladies at UCONN and Louisville, and that makes you feel a little better.

And you end up loving her, telling yourself that it's going to be better, she just needs some more time to work out with her new trainer, Doug, a little more bologna and gatorade and she's going to be fit. And you better love her, because guess what, you're married to Ol' lazy eyes. Till death do you part.