clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

So You Just Ran Into Dana Holgorsen At Turning Stone Casino. What Do You Do?

New, 13 comments
Getty Images

Fact: You are a degenerate gambler.

Fact: Dana Holgorsen and the West Virginia Mountaineers are going to be in town this week to play the Syracuse Orange.

Likely Fact: You will run into Dana Holgorsen at Turning Stone Casino Thursday morning at 3 a.m.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

If you are in a developed area (e.g., casino, parking lot, lodging area) or if Dana Holgorsen approaches you, act immediately to scare him away: make as much noise as possible by yelling very loudly. If you are with other people, stand together to present a more intimidating figure, but do not surround Dana Holgorsen. Holgorsen spray/pepper spray is not allowed in Turning Stone.

Do not maintain eye contact with Dana Holgorsen for more than three seconds at a time.

Do not look away from Dana Holgorsen for more than ten seconds at a time. You always want to know where Dana Holgorsen is.

It's best to look directly at him in short, two-second bursts, followed by five seconds of peripheral watching. Maintain and repeat.

If you see Dana Holgorsen anywhere else, keep your distance (at least 50 yards, or about the distance of four Shane Raupers punts). If you get closer, you will be helping Dana Holgorsen become used to being around regular people.

If Dana Holgorsen offers you a sip of his Red Bull, graciously take it. To refuse him would be considered an act of aggression.

If you are drinking Red Bull, offer a sip to Dana Holgorsen. He will likely chug the remnants. This is normal.

If you are drinking Sugar Free Red Bull, do NOT offer a sip to Dana Holgorsen. That is considered heresy.

If you notice Dana Holgorsen is drinking alcohol, do not sit down at the same $100 minimum blackjack table.

If you are already sitting at the same $100 minimum blackjack table as Dana Holgorsen before you realize it, excuse yourself immediately.

If you are in the middle of a hand and you then realize that Dana Holgorsen is sitting at the same $100 minimum blackjack table as you, STAY. DO NOT HIT. Hitting risks the chance you will inadvertently bust Dana Holgorsen. If you are the cause of Dana Holgorsen busting, you are in great peril.

Never get involved in Dana Holgorsen's hand. If he asks for you advice, REFUSE. To do so and be incorrect would be a recipe for disaster.

Try to apply a layer of lavender scent to your body before entering the casino. Dana Holgorsen is repulsed by the odor.

If Dana Holgorsen approaches you in conversation, do not ask him his thoughts on West Virginia attendance unless you are wearing protective headgear.

If Dana Holgorsen starts talking about getting in on a timeshare in Cabo San Lucas, DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING. Merely reply verbally in the affirmative. He will remember nothing in the morning.

If Holgorsen is wearing a headset and he instructs Geno Smith to throw a football in your general direction, flee.

If you are Geno Smith and Dana Holgorsen knows you are in the casino, HEAD ON A SWIVEL.

Remember, you are in a casino. You are in his territory. You must respect that at all times.