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Hoya Suxa Lifestyle Tip: Tailgate Cuisine

Seriously. Trust me.
Seriously. Trust me.

I'm pretty terrific at a lot of things.  In fact, I'm so accomplished at almost everything that people ask me for advice, like, all the time.  Even when people don't affirmatively vocalize their requests, I just intuitively know that they want some lifestyle input and I, lovingly, provide the guidance unsolicited. 

It's just a part of my giving and humble nature. All I want to do is spread the wisdom that God has bestowed upon me.

One of the best things that I'm at, though, is preparing tailgate cuisine.  I'm like Bobby Flay if he was exposed to radiation that gave him super cooking powers and then genetically re-engineered to make food that would not only bring peace to the Middle East but also make the masticater of the grub burp rainbows and defecate with the scent of dew on a summer's morning. 

That's pretty amazing, right?  I know.  Sometimes I even impress myself.

Anyway, with the close of Syracuse's Big East schedule just days away, it's time to start thinking about what you'll be serving on Saturday at your tailgate.  As Syracuse is on the precipice of securing its first Big East title since the debut of The Cheetah Girls, it's high time to devote your tailgate menu to Doug Marrone.  Specifically, your tailgate needs to get bologna-fied.

Now, we all know that Marrone loves his bologna.  The question is, "How many different ways can I pay tribute to Marrone's favorite processed deli product?"  Well, young bro or gal pal, I'm here to help.  I've put together a few options for you that will ensure that you have the most diverse and sophisticated bologna-driven tailgate this side of anywhere.


Preparation: Take a slice of bread (preferably a delicious kind, like pumpernickel).  Place lettuce, cheese (swiss, if you have it), bologna on bread slice.  Dab on a healthy dose of spicy brown mustard.  If you want to get fancy, add a slice of pineapple because hey, you deserve it.  Put the other slice of bread on top.

Preparation Time: Ummm . . . 30 seconds?

Lifestyle Quotient: Average to below-average. The bologna sandwich maintains high sodium and saturated fat, which is great for developing a goiter and a planetary waistline.  Plus, this dish is generally best washed down with tears of sadness for your lost youth, which will really bring down the atmosphere at your tailgate.  Only serve as a last resort.


Preparation: Liquify your bologna in your bologna liquifier. (Wait, you say that you don't have one?  That's impossible.  Check your linen closet.)  Mix some white sugar, corn syrup, and water together in a saucepan and heat over medium-high heat, stirring until the sugar disappears like magic.  Get the mixture up to around 300 degrees Farenheit (do not test this with your fingers, trust me), pour into lollipop mold, stick in orange-colored lollipop sticks, and let cool.

Preparation Time: 5 to 500 minutes.  Preparation time is contingent on aforementioned heat testing and potential trip to the hospital for burn treatment.

Lifestyle Quotient: High.  I recommend placing bologna lollipop in mouth, approaching a comely young lass, and saying, "Hey, boo. You wanna lick my bologna stick?"  That's how it's done, people. If you pull that off, you'll get a confused scowl of disdain rather than the standard-issue scowl of disdain.


Preparation: Take a slice of bologna.  Wrap it in another slice of bologna.

Preparation Time: Nanoseconds.

Lifestyle Quotient: Dependent on personal circumstances.  If you're a broke and aspiring rock star, extremely low at the time of preparation yet extremely high when you convey this story after you're selling out arenas around the country.  For all other individuals, beyond extremely low.  Only pursue this option if bacon wrapped bacon is not available.


Preparation: Go to culinary school.  Flunk out.  Surreptitiously decide, "Screw that, man!  I'm going to reinvent the boundaries of culinary technique!" Prepare your pate de foie gras as usual, but instead of using mushrooms, garlic and fattened duck liver, just go ahead and use more bologna.  Season the gigantic bologna sausage proper and start cooking the star of the show until the processed goodness wafts from the meat.

Preparation Time: Six hours or so.  But it's totally worth it!

Lifestyle Quotient: Unchartable.  This is the apex of tailgate fare. It has been theorized as possible for ages, but there has never been a recorded completion of the effort.  This will put you in the pantheon of tailgaters.  In fact, it is so impressive that Doctor Gross will likely retire your grill, hanging it from the Carrier Dome rafters until the end of time to honor your feats. 

So, those are my professional tips.  How are you going to prepare your bologna on Saturday?  Leave your notes in the comments, sons and daughters.