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Alright everybody, settle down. I'm new at this so I'll so I'll do my best-
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BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You suck!
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That's a little rude, don't you think?
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You know what’s rude? Saying you’re gonna represent the Big East in the Orange Bowl and then letting Virginia Tech splooge all over you on national television.
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Hey, you had your shot. Maybe you need to get yourself a coach that’s good enough to beat us.
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I'll have you know that our schedule last season was way tougher than the schedule we played when we went to the Fiesta Bowl the year before.
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Is that why you guys almost lost to Syracuse at home?
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No...
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So…you’re saying your Fiesta Bowl winning team wasn’t really that good.
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Well, no...
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Then what are you saying?
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Listen, I’m saying…uh…SHOTS! WHO WANTS SHOTS?!?
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Okay, while ninth-year senior over here looks for the SoCo, I wanted to welcome all of you back to another rousing season of Big East football.
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Enjoy it while you can, pussies.
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Why's that?
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Because guess who’s the trendy pick, asshole?
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Ugh, you’re ALWAYS the trendy pick.
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Last year, and the year before that…
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Shit or get off the pot already. At least Louisville has the common decency to either be really good or really horrible.
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Uh...thanks...
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I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE KIDNEYS, SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT, SHOVE YOUR TAIL IN YOUR MOUTH AND USE IT LIKE A STIRRING STRAW.
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So aggro, chillax sweetie.
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Flavor crystals and butterscotch syrup! |
 
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Gentlemen, this grows tiresome.Â
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Sorry to keep you, Scarlet. I know you’ve got to get back to prepping for that grinding schedule of yours. |
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I’ll have you know that every school on our schedule is accredited by the NCAA.
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Great, we’ll remember that when you go to the Orange Bowl and lose by 30 to an 8-4 ACC team. That’ll make us feel so much better. |
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Wait a minute, I just checked and Howard’s on his schedule. |
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So? |
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You can’t play Howard, right?
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Why couldn't you? |
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Cause...you know...
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Cause they're black?
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NO!!! I was gonna say I thought they were Division 2 or something!
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I don't believe you.
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Oh come on! That's crazy. I have tons of black friends.
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Obama. |
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What? |
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You heard me. Obama, mother fucker.
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Guys, if it’s all the same, I’d like my shot at the Orange Bowl. I think I’m due.
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And that’s exactly why you’re going 6-6.Â
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In a feverish dream, I saw you and your mustachioed leader. I was bewitched by a prophecy. It was December. I saw a football field. And upon it, the Pitt Panthers did battle. And that field was in Birmingham Alabama.
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Did they actually score a point this time? |
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That I cannot say, but I did foresee a great deal on Papa John’s Meat Lover’s Pizzas.
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Cured meats and quisenberries! |
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Otto, I don’t think quisenberries are actual things, I think it’s just the last name of that guy from the Royals.
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Otto deals in the abstract! Is only way to dull pain!
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Whuddya mean? You’ve got this Marrone guy now. He seems legit. Nary a one-star recruit in all of Tri-State Area has escaped his ever-watching eye. |
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Otto optimistic but realistic! |
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At least you know you’ll beat Louisville, right? |
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Hey, you guys, lay off me, will ya? |
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Remember a couple years ago when you would put up 48 points on me?
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Yeah. |
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And you layeth 56 points on me, a few moons ago. |
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Sure. |
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And 46 on me? |
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Right. |
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Yeah, go fuck yourself. |
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Understood.
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Alright, have we covered everything? |
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Bubbe, don’t forget lil old me. |
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How could we. Seriously, do us all a favor and lose early. Please? |
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Yeah, don’t make us all sweat out the possibility of UConn representing the Big East in the Orange Bowl. Even WE’D kick us out of the BCS. |
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You know, for your information I’m making a real effort to be taken seriously. I’m scheduling well. I’m winning important games. And I’m building a strong recruiting and fan base in the Northeast. |
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Yeah, but… |
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But what?
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You’re UConn.
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Yeah.
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Right.
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Exactly.
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......valid point.
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Alright everyone, good luck this season. |
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Fuck you very much. |
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Saw that coming.
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Tasteecakes and maraschino cherries!! |
