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This article was written on June 5th so shame and me, and quite frankly, shame on you too for not mentioning this sooner. But simply, it's the greatest article I've ever read. And it happened right here (well, there...) in Syracuse.
Now, before we get into this, I want to assure you of two things:
1. I did not create a Syracuse.com dummy site and write this.
2. The Onion did not write this.
What makes it so wonderful is that, if either of those things were in fact true, the article would not change. Not one word.
So now that you've read it, let's dissect the five reasons it's the greatest thing you and I have ever read:
1. The Title. "High on the hog: Slaughtered pig traded for crack, Syracuse police say." I want to read that article. I want to learn that story. I want to read the book based on this article. I want to watch the movie starring Mark Ruffalo based on that book. I want to watch the special features on the DVD of that movie. I want to watch the remake of that movie, now starring Zac Efron, made fifteen years later.
2. "The half of pig and $10 were used to buy a $50 bag of crack cocaine, police said." FINALLY, the age-old question of "What is the street value of half a pig?" is answered. Rest easy, Socrates. Sleep well.
3. "[Accused buyer Angelo] Colon told police this was not the first time he drove into Syracuse with a slaughtered pig to trade for drugs." So this means one of two things was happening. Either Colon was calling people up and asking them whether or not they would trade illegal drugs for pork. Or, and I'd like to think this is what really was going on, Colon just threw the pig carcass into his car and cruised the streets of Syracuse with the snout sticking out his passenger-side window like some sort of signal to drug dealers.
4. "[Accused seller Omar] Veliz told police the pig was for a celebration for a relative being released from jail." Of course.
5. "As police arrested the pair, a crowd gathered around them. When the officers turned from the suspects, the pig was gone." CRAMAZING. That's Police Academy 101, guys. You ALWAYS keep your eye on the pig carcass, guys. No exceptions. Now, as a Syracuse.com commenter puts it, "These guys should fight the case. Without the pig as evidence, the case is weak." The D.A.'s gonna be piiiiiised. And hungry.
Don't judge the folks who stole the pig parts. If The Simpsons have taught us anything, it's that it's just a litle crack cocaine...it's still good, it's still good...
Fantastic work by all parties. Angelo Colon. Omar Veliz. The arresting officers. The people of Fulton who would steal a half a pig used in a drug deal off the ground while the cops weren't looking. Writer Robert A. Baker. You've all done your part to the best of your abilities. Bravo.
Sadly, the story ends there. (Or does it???) But there it hope. Hope for the sublime madness of absurd Syracuse-area crimes to continue. Hope in the form of an elephant statue thief:
[Elizabeth] Maeweather says her friend told her "elephants are good luck if their trunks are up, so every time I went somewhere, I just started buying them."
But Maeweather's luck ran out this past weekend, when her five treasured elephant statues were stolen from her Glenwood Avenue yard Saturday.
"I don't know if it’s because of the recession or what's going on. Somebody needed some money, or somebody's decorating their own yard," Maeweather says.
Eyes open, everybody. Oh, and if you come across an elephant statue, make sure to check the bottoms. Maeweather marked the statues with her initials. You know, as not to confuse them with all the other elephant statues in people's yards.
Syracuse, NY, you're doing a heckuva job.
Update: The elephants are back! "...A neighbor on his way to work found the statute behind a tree this morning and rushed to tell her." I say look into this so-called neighbor. Who the hell looks behind trees on their way to work? I smell cover-up. And elephant dung. (Thanks Trapped_In_ACC_Hell)