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Nassib Named New Chairman Of Federal Reserve

SYRACUSE, NY - A little over two months into his presidency, Barack Obama is making a defining, if not surprising, move in an effort to improve the economy by naming redshirt freshman Ryan Nassib the new Chairman of the United States Federal Reserve.

Nassib has been elevated to No. 1 status over incumbent Ben Bernanke, the New York Times reported early this morning.  Bernanke drops down to No. 2 on the Federal Reserve depth chart. 

"Didn't see that coming," said Nassib, who is in the second year of Management studies at Syracuse University.  "I'm in Theory of Finance now and I'm planning on taking an International Finance class next semester so I should be up to speed soon.  I always said all I wanted is a chance to monitor and influence America's open market operations and now it's time to prove I can do it."

Bernanke_mediumBernanke, who has led every meeting for the Fed since 2006, says he's disappointed but also relieved to not be the one making the tough decisions anymore.

"I feel a sense of relief," Bernanke said, "and I feel a sense of rejuvenation with my financial career. I think it's going to work out for the better. I really do. I'm not just saying that just because it's the right thing to say. I'm saying that because I am completely out of ideas."

Upon hearing the decision that he had been passed over and pushed down to  No. 3 on the depth chart, Vice-Chairman Donald L. Kohn left the Reserve and announced his intentions to transfer.  Canada and Iceland have been identified as potential destinations.

President Obama said it was a sense of urgency that led to the restructuring.  Rather than divide the Congressional hearings up between the two, the move allows Nassib to get reps with the first-team Reserve and for the government institution to move forward.

Good mechanics, strong decision-making and good arm strength were factors in why Nassib won the job, Obama said

"He's going to have to duck angry stockholders everywhere he goes.  The ability to stiff-arm is key."