A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese’s basement (at least for the next couple months). Chips and mango-peach salsa are served.
They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Weslyan College student newspaper.
They are known as The Octonion.
No. No gillyweeds. No gingerbread. I need answers right now.
I don't believe you. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you stealing my recruits? Isn't beating me on a consistent basis enough?
Stay out of this Knight. This is between me and the fruit.
No, not...I'm talking about Otto! I demand to know why you're doing this.
NO! You can't back out of this and keep spouting nonsensical phrases and expect me to just forget it. Aren't I at enough of a disadvantage with Kragthorpe?
What the shitballs just happened?
SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU. THE CHARADE ENDS NOW. YOU CALLED DOWN THE THUNDER WELL NOW YOU'VE GOT IT.
OH LET'S ALL CUT THE BULLSHIT, SHALL WE? YOU KNOW, LIKE HOW WE LIKE TO PRETEND YOU HAVE ANY SHOT IN HELL NEXT YEAR WITHOUT PAT WHITE?
Someone, fetch me my warhammer.
SOMEONE SHOULD FETCH YOU A CREDIBLE BOWL BERTH!
Otto, you can't talk to us that way. There are rules.
I'VE PLAYED BY THE RULES LONG ENOUGH. LOOK WHERE IT GOT US. YOU GOT INTO THE CONFERENCE. YOU IN THE ORANGE BOWL. YOU! WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING?
You better step back before I squeeze you, little man.
GO FOR IT. YOU'LL START STRONG BUT EVENTUALLY TIRE AND FADE. THAT'S WHEN I'LL GOUGE YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT AND FEED THEM TO GROTHE.
Heavens, Otto. You're scaring me.
OH, YOU'RE SCARED NOW? KNOW WHO ELSE SHOULD BE SCARED? YOUR BOY EDSALL. OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO COME PLAY WITH US, RANDY? EAT A DICK.
AND YOU...QUESTION, WHAT DO A BEAUTIFUL THREE BEDROOM COLONIAL HOME WITH CENTRAL HEATING IN ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN AND STEVE KRAGTHORPE HAVE IN COMMON? GREG ROBINSON OWNS BOTH OF THEM!
Otto, we can't have you like this in meeting.
YOU CAN'T? YOU CAN'T NOT HAVE ME LIKE THIS.
YOUR BOWL APPEARANCE WAS A DOUBLE NEGATIVE. I'VE HAD IT, PLAYING THE ROOK TO YOUR BISHOPS. IT'S OVER. I'M DONE POLISHING YOUR BISHOPS. I'M THE MOTHER FUCKING KING NOW!
What does this mean...it was a lie? You really didn't care about honeysuckles and moonbeams?
WHO THE FUCK TALKS LIKE THAT? SERIOUSLY???
Hey Otto look, it's another Big East team's two-star recruit.
WHERE!?! HE'S MINE!!! MINE MINE MINE!!! I'M A WEALTHY MISER!
(Thwack! A sock full of quarters hits Otto on the back of the neck. Er...rind.)
I don't know but we're gonna need to contain it. God have mercy on all our souls if that...thing...is ever unleashed.
I say, we continue to play just well enough as a conference to maintain our BCS standing but never really give our detractors a reason to think we're elite. If they did, they might find out the horrifying truth.
That Cincinnati is screwed next year when Brian Kelly leaves?
No...that Otto is a monster. A sleeping monster.
(Otto comes to...)
Otto...is it you? Are you okay???
.........fried dough and jamborees!
You can find records of the previous Octonion meetings below: