Bottle Openers Of Our Lives

INT. SYRACUSE FAN'S LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON

A SYRACUSE FAN is watching the Syracuse game.  His WIFE is in the kitchen preparing dinner.

Syracuse Fan: Hey honey, can you pass me a beer?

Wife: Sure thing, sweetie.  Bud Light or Heineken?

Syracuse Fan: I don't drink piss, honey.  So...

Wife: Heineken.  Right.

She brings him the Heineken.

Syracuse Fan: Thanks babe.  Oh, can you grab my bottle opener too?

Wife:  Anything for you, dear.

She heads to the kitchen, opens the drawer and pulls out the bottle opener.  She looks confused as she walks over to her husband.

Wife: Honey...

Syracuse Fan: Yes, lovey?

Wife: What is this?

Syracuse Fan:  Oh...I didn't tell you.  I got a new bottle opener.

Wife:  What was wrong with the old one?

Syracuse Fan: Nothing.  This one's just better.

Wife: I see...

She hands the bottle opener to him. He opens the Heineken and takes a gulp.

Wife: Seems to work the same.

Syracuse Fan:  Well, yeah, I mean it's just a bottle opener.  But it's got an actual piece of the Carrier Dome basketball court on it.

Wife: What does that do?

Syracuse Fan:  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing. 

Wife: What did you do with the old bottle opener?  The one with Otto on it?

Syracuse Fan:  Threw it out.

Wife:  Why?  We could have saved it.  Put it in the liquor cabinet.

Syracuse Fan:  But it doesn't have a piece of the Carrier Dome court on it.

Wife:  So?

Syracuse Fan: SO?  I don't understand the issue here.

Wife:  I guess I just don't understand why you felt the need to replace a perfectly good $1 Syracuse bottle opener with...another $1 Syracuse bottle opener.

Syracuse Fan: Seventy-five.

Wife: Seventy-five what?

Syracuse Fan: The bottle opener cost seventy-five dollars?

Wife: ............

Syracuse Fan: But honey-

Wife: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Syracuse Fan: No, but, I mean...look, it has a piece of the court-

Wife: YOU SPENT SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS ON A MOTHER FUCKING BOTTLE OPENER?  ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?

Syracuse Fan: Plus shipping it was eighty-five.

Wife: YOU STUPID SON-OF-A-BITCH.  Gas prices are rising, the economy is in the toilet, we can barely get through our utility bills, our rent is going up, little Joshy can't afford a new baseball mitt and you thought it would be a good idea to pay SEVENTY-MOTHER-FUCKING-DOLLARS FOR A BOTTLE OPENER!?!?!?

Syracuse Fan: But here's the sweet part.  The bottle opener was originally eight-five dollars.  I got it for ten dollars off honey!

Wife: Huh?

Syracuse Fan: .......IT HAS AN ACTUAL PIECE OF THE CARRIER DOME COURT ON IT!

Wife: I don't care if there's a vial of Jim Boeheim's blood attached to it!

Syracuse Fan: That would be disgusting.  And besides, he's B-positive, I'm A-negative, I'd have no need for it.  I really wish you'd think before you speak like that.

Wife: I'm leaving, Roger.

Syracuse Fan: Oh, can you pick up another six-pack of Heinies and some brats while you're out?

Wife: I'm leaving you for Stefan, my yoga instructor.  He makes me feel like a real woman and he DOESN'T MAKE ASININE, IMPULSE, ALCOHOL-RELATED PURCHASES!

Wife opens the garage door, walks out and SLAMS the door as she leaves.

Their nine-year-old son JOSH enters and sits down next to his Dad.

Josh: Dad, I need a new mitt for practice tomorrow.

Syracuse Fan: Slugger, I'd love to get that for you.  But...you know Daddy's trying to remake the Carrier Dome basketball court in the basement and he needs to collect as many authentic pieces of it as he can in the slowest manner possible.

Josh: I know.

Syracuse Fan: Alright, Joshy.  Now head on down to the liquor store and get Dad another six-pack, will ya?

Josh: Sure thing Dad.  And then you'll show me how to open a bottle?

Syracuse Fan: Silly. This is a bottle opener with an authentic piece of the Carrier Dome basketball court on it.  You're too young to be able to use this.  Maybe when you're matriculated. 

And....SCENE!