Dear Boston College,
We're sorry to hear your program is in disarray again. It's times like these we all need someone to lean on. Longtime friends who came up with us, know us better than anyone else and are geographically nearby and can be there quickly.
We miss ya buddy. If we were an Eastern Pennsylvania beet farmer/inn-keeper/mid-level paper supply company salesman and you were an Eastern Pennsylvania smart-aleck mid-level paper supply company salesman with an unhealthy crush on an engaged woman, this is exactly how we'd feel:
Sincerely,
Your former conference mates.
P.S. - You suck.