A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese’s basement (at least for the next couple months). Chips and mango-peach salsa are served.
They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Weslyan College student newspaper.
They are known as The Octonion.
(Everyone is present for a special meeting. Everyone, except the Cincinnati Bearcat)
Hey Otto, thanks for making time to meet with us today.
Gingerbeans!
Right. Anyway, we kinda wanted to ask a favor of you.
For all of us.
I tried to do it myself but...I just...I couldn't....
Hush now, bubbe. Mamma's here now.
Otto, whatever it is you did against Notre Dame...you need to do it again this weekend against Cincinnati.
Is okay, I's just let Grimace take care of, again.
No, you won't be able to count on Charlie Weis this time.
Otto, we can't have Bearcat representing us in the BCS. We just can't.
He doesn't have our historical value.
Or our national appeal.
Or our panache.
Or our devotion to the King.
Otto no want to. Otto want to count moonbeams!
And you will, Otto. All the moonbeams you can find. You just need to do this one thing for us...
Do you really want a school that's not even in the Big East to be representing us-
'Neer. We've been over this.
I don't care. Not until I see documents.
Fine, I'll take you down to Big East headquarters tomorrow.
Can't. Have a thing.
What?
It's nothing...just something...
Are you going to Michigan to visit Rich Rod?
HE'S SO LONELY, PANTHER! CAN'T YOU SEE! HE NEEDS US. WE NEED HIM.
I think that ship has sailed, sweetie.
Shove it, Husky. Don't you have a basketball player that needs to make bail?
Hey, don't take it out on me. I'm the only one who did the sensible thing this season and beat Cincy. What's all of your excuses?
T'was nothing I could do. Was wrought with the Black Death that weekend.
You caught the bubonic plague? And now you're fine?
I have strong platlets.
That doesn't make-
Stop it! You're all a collection of assholes! Stay on topic! Otto, please...tell us you can beat Cincinnati so that West Virginia can go to the BCS Bowl instead?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, who the hell said they're going?
You did, when you choked on your own tail last weekend.
Shit, there were cameras? Oh you mean...oh...well...I'm sure there's a way that I can still-
No.
Fraid not.
Your dreams are nevermore.
...fine, make it quick, 'Neer.
Still won't matter unless Otto can do...whatever the hell it is he does to beat Cincy.
Cardinal, remind him what works.
Me? Why me? I don't....I haven't...
Cut the shit, Big Bird.
It's not so much Otto...it's more of a Kragthorpe-related issue.
Dickballs! I'm out of ideas.
Can we stop for a second. Dickballs?
Just came out.
That's what she said! Heeheeheeheeheehee. I's topical.
Really? This is what we're entrusting the good name of the Big East conference to?
(Bearcat Enters)
Hey guys, I didn't know there was a meeting today.
Hey hey! We weren't just discussing anything shady at all.
Ooookay.
There he is....this guy....this is the guy...
Hey....Mr. Bigtime...with his BCS bowl berth...
Yeah...
And his low-rated Orange Bowl...
Yeah, I can't wa....wait, what?
And his losing to Oklahoma by 26.
Hey that was months ago. And looks at what Texas Tech did against-
That's it! Maybe we can get Texas Tech to transfer to the Big East!
It's so crazy it just might work.
I love it! Mike Leach looks so rugged, so...mmmm...
Somebody, call...somebody.
I shall send four ships...one in each direction...
You want to send a ship from here to Texas?
You assume that this, what do you call it...Texas...actually exists.
No, we assume you are a fucking asshat.
Guys, I'm beating Syracuse and then I'm going to the Orange Bowl to play a four-loss ACC team and there's nothing you can do to stop me!
Otto no like Bearcat's tone...
Otto, it's nothing pers-
Otto angry...
Otto, stop-
Otto concerned about Big East's national reputation and bowl ratings and how's they reflect on future television contracts.
That was very well said, but-
OTTO WILL WIN ON SATURDAY! I GO TO CINCINNATI NOW! CHICKENSTEAK AND GRAVYBOATS!!!
(Otto runs through the wall, leaving a giant orange-shaped hole behind.)
I'd say our work here is done.
One thing though...
What's that?
He just ran into the Atlantic.
You can find records of the previous Octonion meetings below: