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Octonion VIII: Global Meltdown

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese’s basement (at least for the next year). Chips and mango-peach salsa are served.

They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Weslyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

Cut the chit-chart. What the fuck, Panther!?!?

I think he's out celebrating.

Sonofabitch! Now what are we gonna do?

Hemoglobin and double helixes!

Otto's right, the conference is a disaster.

I thought we had a deal, you guys. I beat all of you and then I win the national title.

Wait a fuckin' second, I thought that was MY deal.

Sorry, bubbies, looks like that's my deal now.

THIS is who we're going to send out there to represent us?

Gentle sir, if I may, I would be more than happy to fly our flag at the next BCS event.

Sorry Knight, you kinda have to do things like beat Navy first.

Damn that infernal Armada!

[Panther enters]

Hey, sorry I'm late, I...uh...was...

What the fuck, bro?

What? All's fair.

Didn't you get my memo?

You didn't write a memo.

Yes, I wrote a memo, asking you let me win so that I can be the
conference's last best hope to do well in our BCS game.

How do you write with cloven hoofs?

Okay fine, I just called the concierge at you hotel and told them to leave you a message saying lose or I'll shove my Rocky Mountain Oysters down your throat.

Didn't get it.

How did you not get it? I bet it's there right now.

Nope...cause I was just, um, there, and I didn't see it, so...

Otto, go to Panther's hotel and find the memo.

Hooray, I have meaning!

[Otto leaves]

Wait! I, uh, uh...

What's up with you Panther? You're acting weird.

He's just confused cause the conference is big shitstorm and we're all stuck here staring each other down like it's a Dominican Standoff.

I'm pretty sure you mean a Mexican standoff.

Why, cause I'm from West Virginia and obviously that means I hate Mexicans?

No, I didn't...

Well, do you?

.........that's neither here nor there.

And where'd you get Dominican from? Whose ever heard of a Dominican Standoff?

Look...I hate all people of Carribbean and South American descent. There! You happy now? My hatred of festive colors, salsa music and churros isn't the point. The point is, our conference is in shambles. The Mountain West is going to have more ranked teams than us. The Mountain West, gentlemen.

Fear not, my liege. I have vanquished their mightiest batallion!

Who? BYU?

Better! Morgan State! Not so mighty now...

Knight, Morgan State isn't even on our competitive level, let along the MWC.

Well...they are still a mighty foe from the West, yes?

They're from Maryland.

Well...I did vanquish them. I don't vanquish so often these days so...I cherish my vanquishes when they do happen.

Alright, so if we're done here, I gotta...

Done here? We're not done. We haven't solved anything. Our conference is in ruins, Knight is raving about beating some team no one's ever heard of and my reservations at the Phoenix Marriott Grand are useless now.

Hey, you can still play in the Insight Bowl.

Maybe YOU can play in the Insight Bowl.

That's be nice, actually. Thanks.

Maybe YOUR nice.

That's very sweet, thank you.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I've lost the ability to insult others as well. This is horrible.

Don't worry you guys, I'll be fine. I'll totally put up a good fight against whichever mid-tier ACC team I play in the bowl game.

But you're probably going to a BCS game. You're gonna play someone like Florida or Georgia or USC.


[Otto enters]

You find it?

Otto find pretty lady sleeping.

Ahh....haha...yeah, my, date...

Nice work, Pantera. Who's the biddy?

She like ketchup a lot!

What do you mean, Otto?

She went sleepytime after ketchup fight! Heeheehee!

Yeah, you guys know, ketchup fights! Huge in Norway. Otto, let's chat-

Otto take photo!

Shit, Otto, no!


Holy shit, you killed a hooker?

Not exactly!

Not again...

Was she Jewish or something?

Was she WHAT? What, you hate Jews too?

HELLOOOO... West. Virginia.

Not exactly? How is that not exactly you killing a hooker?

Look, tonight was a big win for us, ever since the whole Bowling Green thing and all, so we were just having a good time. Then she wanted some blow, I only had a little bit of a stash left, she got angry...I blacked out. Next thing I know she' know...and I'm late.

The black shroud of demonry envelops us.

Ask Mr. I Don't Get No Respect Even Though I Can't Beat A Somewhat-Good Conference USA Team over there about when the black shroud enveloped us.

We DON'T get any respect! I thought I and all of my fans made that clear!

And you'll continue to.

Hey guys...dead hooker in Panther's hotel room. Kindof an issue.

Fuckin' A. Alright, let's go over and get rid of the body. Then we'll make a blood pact to never tell anyone.

What about Providence Friar?

ESPECIALLY not him. So fucking preachy.

I'm scared, you guys...

It's alright, we're gonna get through all this...the losses, the hit to our national reputation, the lack of bowl-eligible teams, the hooker murder...we're gonna get through it all...together.

Sha-mother-la-fuckin-la-la. Let's go!

[Everyone leaves, except for Husky]

Okay sweeties, I'll be right there...

[Wipes bloody knife on fur, places it in Panther's gym bag]

All part of the plan...Mwahahahahahaha....

You can find records of the previous Octonion meetings below:
Enter the Octonion, Part I
Enter the Octonion, Part II
As the Octonion Turns
Octonion Strikes Back
Octonion Forever
Octonion: Reloaded
The Octonioning
Octonion of Solace