clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The Next Head Coach Of Syracuse Football Will Be...Henry Winkler

To be fair, Syracuse Football, much like the Fonz, has jumped the shark.

Bud Poliquin received many a recommendation for the next Head Coach of Syracuse Football (whenever that job might open up down the road...) and while he received some popular choices (Norm Chow, Larry Coker, Randy Edsall, Dan Mullen), he also received some rather unique choices as well. I don't believe in crossing anyone off the list until we've vetted them correctly so let's take a closer look at some of these out-of-the-box choices:

George Bush - It's not clear if this is Papa Bush or Dubya but either way I like it because it means that although Bush will be the face of the program, Dick Cheney will be running the show from the shadowy depths beneath the Carrier Dome. And Cheney will murder anyone who gets in our way.

(I'm not being facetious, he will literally have them killed.)

John Desko
- The man's an NCAA Champion many times over. He knows Syracuse inside and out. He knows how to play in the Dome. I'm sure, given 8-10 years, he'll be able to pick up this whole "playing with no sticks" thing.

Ed Harris
- Only if he wears his make-up from A History of Violence every time he's on the sidelines. Greg Schiano will piss himself during the pre-game handshake.

Mark Mangino
- Mark, Dinosaur BBQ. Dinosaur BBQ, Mark.

Rue McClanahan
- We all know and love her for her saucy quips on the Golden Girls but it might surprise you to know Rue played nose tackle for the Los Angeles Rams from 1956 - 1962.

Gerry McNamara - He's a Syracuse guy. He's a leader of men. And his connections in recruit-rich Latvia cannot be underestimated.

Craig T. Nelson
- Only if Bill "Dauber" Fagerbakke came with him. M-O-O-N, that spells 4-3 Defense.

Al Pacino - You can just imagine Al hanging out in the locker room 24 hours a day, waiting for crowds to gather so he can give impassioned speeches. Doesn't matter who's there really, Syracuse, their opponent, the field hockey team. If an audience of 8 or more people gathers, Al starts Hoo-Ah'ing.

Bill Parcells
- Actually...hell yeah.

Paul Pasqualoni
- No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Dennis Quaid - I made my pleas yesterday. But the Three Idiots say why stop at installing Quaid as coach when there are so many areas he can help the Orange.

Billy Bob Thornton
- Just because of the .00001 chance that Angelina Jolie might show up at the Dome. I dunno, maybe some old divorce paperwork needs to signed or something.

Jon Voight
- In case you wanted to ensure that Angelina Jolie NEVER shows up at the Dome.

Dave Wannstedt, Tyrone Willingham
- Pittsburgh and Washington fans approve.

Steve Young
- Mormons? Ew.