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Syracuse University Breaks Ground On New York City Stadium

MANHATTAN, N.Y. - Syracuse University broke ground Wednesday on the first "second" home stadium for a college football team and unveiled how architects plan the Orange feel at home in New York City. Or at least floating around it.

"We knew that [Syracuse Director of Athletics Daryl] Gross wanted two things. To be New York City's College Team and to play home football games there," said Hern Berford, chairman and executive vice president of Carrier Dome East, LLC. "Since there wasn't any room in New York City, we thought why don't we just build the stadium around it."

To do that, the stadium will float on a twenty ton barge constantly circulating Manhattan in the Hudson and East Rivers. Rather than build an entirely new stadium and with costs already going into the barge, the Carrier Dome will be air-lifted from Syracuse and floated down the Erie Canal to the Hudson where it will be placed on the barge upon completion.

Berford, Daryl Gross, Syracuse Head Coach Greg Robinson, and Syracuse Chancellor Nancy Cantor unveiled the design at a ceremony in Manhattan today, appropriate for the timing of news that the Orange were already looking to move some home games to the NYC area in the coming years.

"Phase I was the taxicabs" said Gross. That laid the viral groundwork and got a buzz going in the salons and speakeasys. Phase II was to wean Syracuse fans off this antiquated idea of always playing "home games" at home. Phase III was to ensure that Syracuse is officially New York's College Team and, well, we just figured why wait any longer?"

Gross added, "Was I not clear that by New York's College Team I meant New York City? Oh. My bagels."

Gross added t
hat Syracuse residents shouldn't fret about losing their chances to see the Orange play altogether.

"We'll float the Dome back to Central New York once a year to give the fans a chance to see their Orange battle a top notch opponent from the Football Championship Subdivision each and every year. You want Villanova? You got Villanova! Homecoming, Family Weekend and Legends Weekend all rolled into one, and we've already scheduled a special halftime show by Van Halen tribute band Diver Down. I don't wanna hear any complaining now, that's a helluva deal I'm giving those people."

The building will be re-named Carrier Dome East for the time being but word is that Syracuse is working on a new naming-rights deal. Jreck Subs has been named as a possible suitor and would feature a standalone submersible boat that would take fans to and from the stadium to the nearby docks.

"We'd call it the Jreck Submarine. Get it?" asked Gross. "It works on a lot of different levels. And that's what we're looking for. Levels. And money."

Constructed on the Hudson, the stadium barge is expected to open for the 2010 season and seat 60,000, including 5,000 "glass-bottom" luxury seats for fans who want a one-of-a-kind football viewing experience.
The stadium will also house an interactive museum which will feature the "Rutgers Is In New Jersey, You Guys" Experience, an educational hands-on installation meant to explore the questions that many New York residents might have about what separates Rutgers, which is in New Jersey, from Syracuse, which is located within the New York state boundaries. Except when the barge enters New Jersey waters twice a week while turning.

Reaction from Central New York was mixed.

"So those taxicab ads really worked, huh?" said longtime SU fan and Syracuse resident Tom Van Arnam. "Seriously? Cause as far as I could tell that was a gigantic waste of money based on a retarded, short-sighted mindset. Who knew."

"The time for talk is over. It really is. I feel that." uttered Head Coach Greg Robinson. When reminded that this wasn't a question about his tenure as coach of Syracuse, Robinson relaxed. "I feel like this football team is going to move to new home...I just don't know when." When reminded that the team is scheduled to move in 2010, Robinson said "The time for talk is over." The reporter then choked himself on his own microphone and was rushed to Cedar- Sinai for observation.

(Artist Rendering: I.M. Pei)