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Octonion Of Solace

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese’s basement (at least for the next year). Chips and mango-peach salsa are served.

They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Weslyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

Here-mother-fuckin-ye, let’s do things. I’ve got $4 milly burnin’ a hole in my pocket and the Indian casino buffet ain't gonna eat itself.

I’d like to know what the agenda is for the meeting?

For you to shut the fuck up and for me to make you.


Can we put that to a vote?

Vote on my balls.


As reigning conference champion I set the agenda and-


Yoo-hoo, Mountie. Technically, I was co-conference champion, so…


Can we agree that doesn’t leave this room? If anyone else knew UConn shared the Big East title last season, we’d be done.


Seconded. Besides, Fiesta trumps Meineke Car Care. Gin, you lose.


Jolly good lob, sir.

Jolly what-now? Can you jut stop talking now and save us the trouble?


You, sir, are the bride of the Svïnafell troll and every ninth night he treats you like a woman!

What’s his number?


Okay, let’s stay on topic, people. 2008 season is starting. Can everyone chime in and just update us on where you’re at.


The sooner we wrap this up, the sooner we can all go see The Express.


Otto’s pals go see Express?



Yes Otto, Universal has set up a word-of-mouth screening for us. Weren’t you invited?

I’s is sad as I’s can be…

Wait til you play us…

And us…



And us…


And ye…

Alright look, I’ll start. We were fucking good last year. We’re gonna be fucking good this year. And if you have any problems with that…Noel Devine.

What about the concerns over Bill Stewart’s ability to-

Noel Devine.

That’s a tricky schedule, at Colorado, Auburn, at Pitt and then South Florida.


Hmmm…let me think about it…Noel Devine, Noel Devine, Noel Devine and…Noel Devine.

Yeah but what about-


Wait a sec-


You just can’t-



We own your ass, so watch-


Devine. Noel Devine. Noel Devine. Noel Devine.



Let’s move forward. Okay, you guys might remember I won a Big East Conference title two years ago. We took last year off but we’re looking forward to this season.






You know who we are by now.Choke on my hairy ones.

I have a lot of respect for what you guys are doing. It takes a special program to do that.

Well thank you and….wait a minute, what are you talking about?


Taking on that Grothe kid and letting him be quarterback. A lot of special needs kids don’t get that kind of an opportunity and I just think that’s-



Special-needs? What the fuck?

Well, he’s…I mean, I’ve seen pictures of him and…wait…he’s not…


No…he’s not…

Are his parents also his siblings? Jesus…

Enough. You know what Matt Grothe has that you don’t.




Bearcat, did you want to book your rooms at the Birmingham La Quinta Inn now or wait until December? I know a guy, so…

Listen, I really gotta jet so I’m just gonna say real quick that somehow, someway, despite the inclusion of the Wannstache and it’s wearer, we are officially Team Frisky. We just want to thank all parties for pushing our expectations through the roof so that when we eventually go 5-7 and lose to Syracuse, it’ll be all the more catastrophic. Now if you’ll excuse me, Allentown FurFest 2008 starts up tonight and I’m on the CosPlay Ball planning committee, so, um…just call me when you need me to explain any of Wannstadt’s poorly-made decisions…

That was…curious.



Your face is curious.


You doltish dunce! 'Dull are your wits!



That’s a good one. Use that on whatever Sun Belt team you play in your bowl game this year.


The men of Brunswick plan on currying favor with an esteemed tournament this season, I will let you know. We plan on traveling far and wide to find the most bountiful kingdom abound.

International Bowl again?



Most likely, yes…

Otto’s turn! Otto’s turn!

No offense, Otto, but what could you possibly have to add? We all know how horrible you guys are.

You waits and sees, I’s going to play in a bowls game. Gilly flowers and tea leaves!



So cute, darling. Hush now, go back to sleep.



In my dreams, I’ms relevant!



Only in your dreams, sweet prince.

Please stop talking.



What you say is nothing but a tale of claptrap!



I got a claptrap out in my backyard. Catch a squirrel every once in a while. Good eatins, bro.

I use a claptrap myself…although for unrelated reasons…

Okay, so we’re all agreed. I’m going to the Orange Bowl, South Florida to the Gator, UConn to the St. Petersburg Bowl whatever that is, Cincy back to, Louisville to Motor City and Pittsburgh and Rutgers can fight it out for the International Bowl. Cool?


Hold on…

Wait a sec…

Just a moment…



But I thought…

There’s treachery afoot…

Chicken droppings!!!

Agreed. Dismissed!

You can find records of the previous Octonion below:
Enter the Octonion, Part I
Enter the Octonion, Part II
As the Octonion Returns
Octonion Strikes Back
Octonion Forever
Octonion: Reloaded
The Octonioning