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Citing Overexpansion & Jesus, Big East Lacrosse Conference To Split

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. -- Out-going Big East Conference Commissioner Mike Tranghese said yesterday that due to the scheduling constraints, overexpansion and the rising fist of Christian influence that's permeating lacrosse, conference presidents have decided to split the newly-formed seven-team Big East Lacrosse league into two separate divisions.

The issue, according to Tranghese, must be settled before any others league members can be considered and before "the secular schools are overrun by those ridiculously annoying Campus Crusaders. I mean, have you ever tried crossing a campus quad when they get their hooks into you? My God...I mean, not my God."

The conference will be split into the "Jesus Is Lord Division," which will include Notre Dame, Georgetown, Villanova, St. John's and Providence and the "Jesus Did Whatnow? Division" which will include Syracuse and Rutgers. Tranghese isn't concerned with the off-kilter separation of teams.

"Look, it's what Notre Dame wanted. And what Notre Dame wants, they get. Simple as that. St John's can go jump off a bridge for all I care, but I figure as long as they're available and still rootin' for Christ, why not include them?"

"Jesus died so that we could rip rope," St John's Lacrosse Coach Jason Miller said. "It's only right that we honor him in the most appropriate way possible. By segregating all of the schools that believe in him from the non-believers and silently judging them from afar. It's how HE would want it."

Notre Dame's head coach, Kevin Corrigan, shared his sentiment.

"Every time you win a face-off, an angel gets it's wings."

On the other side of the conference, opinions on the re-alignment varied depending on which coach you spoke with. Syracuse Head Coach John Desko was pleased with the decision.

"So does this mean we play Rutgers five times a season? I'm fine with that?"

Rutgers Head Coach Jim Stagnitta sees the situation a little differently.

""So does this mean we play Syracuse five times a season? FUUUUUUCK!"

The realignment is not expected to have any impact on the Big East football or basketball conference structure, although Tranghese reiterated that it might be a consideration if a certain team was interested.

"Did Notre Dame say they wanted to do that? Cause I will if they want to. Did you talk to them? Did they say anything about me? Did they say they like me? If I gave you a note that asked them to rate me on a scale of 1-10, 1 being a nottie and 10 being a hottie, would you give it to them?"