#10 - It's called "Krull"
Imagine you sit down to write a screenplay about a magical otherworld. You fill it with mythical beings, kings and queens, sweeping romance, delightful whimsical wizards and elfin boys, mysterious creatures and floating castles. You might think to name your planet something magical like Fantasia or Magestica. Maybe Capricia or Gallalei. What about Evervespa or Enchatia?
Well the guy who wrote this script called the planet Krull, which sounds like something on the bottom of you shoes after you've been crab fishing for a week. Then again, he was also the writer of Ice Pirates, which deserves a top ten unto itself...
#9 - Slayers
As far as homogeneous, science-fiction, evil, soldier drones (HSFESDs) go, they're fairly bad-ass. Especially when you consider all the trouble they've gone to to make themselves look so hardcore when ultimately they're all just little slugs living in the helmet. With those long sticks that fire lasers they're like long-stick lacrosse defensemen from hell.
Question though...if the Slayers are all just slugs who screech really loud when you kill them, who is building the Slayer suit? The Beast? Nah, he's got worlds to take over and princesses to have overly-elaborate tete-a-tete's with. You have to assume the Slayer suit is outsourced then, possibly from one of the other planets they've taken over. Food for thought.
#8 - Ken Marshall
Take Richard Chamberlin, throw in just a dash of Luke Skywalker and a heaping of cheese and you get Prince Colwyn, our hero in green striped pants (we'll get to those). He doesn't get in the way of the goods, mind you, but he doesn't really do much of anything really. He's makes Mark Hamill seem like Harrison Ford. As eFilmCritic puts it, "It's not that Ken's a really bad actor. Let's just say that Ken's a really bad actor in this movie."
Has a guy with a beard ever looked "pretty" before? Well, here you go. Thankfully, his boyish looks never faded...
#7 - The Fire Mares
Horses.
Horses that run fast.
Horses that run so fast they leave trails of fire.
Horses that run so fast they leave trails of fire and can fly.
FUCK. YEAH.
#6 - The score
If you've seen Krull as many times as I have (Thanks WPIX!) you've already got that song in your head. The Krull montage song. Can't think of it? Here you go. Oh, and you're welcome for getting that in your head all day.
#5 - Liam Neeson & Robbie Coltrane
Yep, you're not seeing things. That's Oscar Schindler and Hagrid in that merry band of marauders that accompanies the Prince on his quest. Look at Liam, so full of life...Darkman is nothing but a glint in his eye. Well, until he dies in the big battle, that is.
#4 - The obscene Lord of the Rings ripping off
While not as flagrant as, say, Willow, the film is rife with LOTR steals. Let's see...the white wizard, the magical object that must be taken to the evil lair of the monster lest he take over the world, and oh my God how bout the spider cave scene? Swap out Frodo for an old guy and voila!
Interesting enough though, I found out via Wikipedia (so it must be true!) that Krull was originally supposed to be Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie. At some point the license was dropped and it was re-imagined as Krull. So instead of taking ideas from a game that rips off Lord of the Rings, it just went right to the source.
#3 - Rell The Cyclops
How bad-ass was this guy? He had one giant eye. He could throw a spear from fifty yeard away and kill you. He had one giant eye. He had the balls to foresee his own death and still go forward with it. He had one giant eye. And he had ONE GIANT EYE.
If they ever decided to make a sequel or a spin-off or a TV show about Krull, it HAS TO be about Rell. Sadly, the actor who played him is no longer with us, but I feel good about a Son of Rell pitch for The CW. Let's get one of the Smallville guys to play him. We'll throw in a hot cyclops love interest played by Sophia Bush. And if he's a sucky character we'll just have him see his own death and then write him off.
#2 - The Glave
I watched Krull way too many times when I was in my formative years and as a young boy who roamed his backyard in search of adventure, there was nothing I wanted more than my very own glave. Keep your precious ring. What's that gonna do for you except attract dead king guys? A lightsabre? How small-minded. Sure, it sounds like something you'd clean your kitchen counter with but believe me, this thing will leave some serious streaks....OF BLOOD!
You got a problem with someone across the room? GLAVE'M!
You don't like the way someone looked at you? GLAVE'M!
You want that delicious coconut up on the top of tree? GLAVE IT!
In the final scene when the Glave won't come back to the Prince, it makes you feel sad. Not for the Prince, F him. For the Glave! Now it has to spend the rest of eternity embedded in the rotting flesh of The Beast.
Still better than the lava pit at Mt. Doom, though.
#1 - The Pants
Green, striped, skin-tight leather pants. Just because you're saving the world and ensuring the prophecy, it doesn't mean you can't be couture.
Imagine you sit down to write a screenplay about a magical otherworld. You fill it with mythical beings, kings and queens, sweeping romance, delightful whimsical wizards and elfin boys, mysterious creatures and floating castles. You might think to name your planet something magical like Fantasia or Magestica. Maybe Capricia or Gallalei. What about Evervespa or Enchatia?
Well the guy who wrote this script called the planet Krull, which sounds like something on the bottom of you shoes after you've been crab fishing for a week. Then again, he was also the writer of Ice Pirates, which deserves a top ten unto itself...
#9 - Slayers
As far as homogeneous, science-fiction, evil, soldier drones (HSFESDs) go, they're fairly bad-ass. Especially when you consider all the trouble they've gone to to make themselves look so hardcore when ultimately they're all just little slugs living in the helmet. With those long sticks that fire lasers they're like long-stick lacrosse defensemen from hell.
Question though...if the Slayers are all just slugs who screech really loud when you kill them, who is building the Slayer suit? The Beast? Nah, he's got worlds to take over and princesses to have overly-elaborate tete-a-tete's with. You have to assume the Slayer suit is outsourced then, possibly from one of the other planets they've taken over. Food for thought.
#8 - Ken Marshall
Take Richard Chamberlin, throw in just a dash of Luke Skywalker and a heaping of cheese and you get Prince Colwyn, our hero in green striped pants (we'll get to those). He doesn't get in the way of the goods, mind you, but he doesn't really do much of anything really. He's makes Mark Hamill seem like Harrison Ford. As eFilmCritic puts it, "It's not that Ken's a really bad actor. Let's just say that Ken's a really bad actor in this movie."
Has a guy with a beard ever looked "pretty" before? Well, here you go. Thankfully, his boyish looks never faded...
#7 - The Fire Mares
Horses.
Horses that run fast.
Horses that run so fast they leave trails of fire.
Horses that run so fast they leave trails of fire and can fly.
FUCK. YEAH.
#6 - The score
If you've seen Krull as many times as I have (Thanks WPIX!) you've already got that song in your head. The Krull montage song. Can't think of it? Here you go. Oh, and you're welcome for getting that in your head all day.
#5 - Liam Neeson & Robbie Coltrane
Yep, you're not seeing things. That's Oscar Schindler and Hagrid in that merry band of marauders that accompanies the Prince on his quest. Look at Liam, so full of life...Darkman is nothing but a glint in his eye. Well, until he dies in the big battle, that is.
#4 - The obscene Lord of the Rings ripping off
While not as flagrant as, say, Willow, the film is rife with LOTR steals. Let's see...the white wizard, the magical object that must be taken to the evil lair of the monster lest he take over the world, and oh my God how bout the spider cave scene? Swap out Frodo for an old guy and voila!
Interesting enough though, I found out via Wikipedia (so it must be true!) that Krull was originally supposed to be Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie. At some point the license was dropped and it was re-imagined as Krull. So instead of taking ideas from a game that rips off Lord of the Rings, it just went right to the source.
#3 - Rell The Cyclops
How bad-ass was this guy? He had one giant eye. He could throw a spear from fifty yeard away and kill you. He had one giant eye. He had the balls to foresee his own death and still go forward with it. He had one giant eye. And he had ONE GIANT EYE.
If they ever decided to make a sequel or a spin-off or a TV show about Krull, it HAS TO be about Rell. Sadly, the actor who played him is no longer with us, but I feel good about a Son of Rell pitch for The CW. Let's get one of the Smallville guys to play him. We'll throw in a hot cyclops love interest played by Sophia Bush. And if he's a sucky character we'll just have him see his own death and then write him off.
#2 - The Glave
I watched Krull way too many times when I was in my formative years and as a young boy who roamed his backyard in search of adventure, there was nothing I wanted more than my very own glave. Keep your precious ring. What's that gonna do for you except attract dead king guys? A lightsabre? How small-minded. Sure, it sounds like something you'd clean your kitchen counter with but believe me, this thing will leave some serious streaks....OF BLOOD!
You got a problem with someone across the room? GLAVE'M!
You don't like the way someone looked at you? GLAVE'M!
You want that delicious coconut up on the top of tree? GLAVE IT!
In the final scene when the Glave won't come back to the Prince, it makes you feel sad. Not for the Prince, F him. For the Glave! Now it has to spend the rest of eternity embedded in the rotting flesh of The Beast.
Still better than the lava pit at Mt. Doom, though.
#1 - The Pants
Green, striped, skin-tight leather pants. Just because you're saving the world and ensuring the prophecy, it doesn't mean you can't be couture.