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Remaining Members Of SU Basketball Team Hoping For Torn ACLs Too

SYRACUSE, N.Y. -- The remaining, active members of the Syracuse University men's basketball team, already lacking depth and experienced leadership since the season-ending ACL injures to juniors Andy Rautins and Eric Devendorf, are doing their best to self-inflict their own season-ending ACL injuries to avoid playing in the current season any longer.

Freshmen Donte Greene, Jonny Flynn, Scoop Jardine and Rick Jackson and sophomores Arinze Onuaku and Paul Harris have been seen jumping off of elevated surfaces onto hard concrete, smacking each other in the legs with bamboo sticks and using elliptical machines while wearing unlaced sneakers all in an attempt to tear their anterior cruciate ligaments or cause "something like that, as long as it gets our a**es off the court before this s*** gets really bad," according to Jardine.


So far, no one has been successful. Regretfully, all of the players are forced to continue playing.

"I saw [Andy] Rautins the other day, sittin' in the hot tub. Chillin', " said Greene, coming off his worst performance of the season. "I'm like...I could be chillin' too instead of losing by 20 to West Virginia. I love chillin', yaz heard?"


There was a moment of excitement on Monday morning when, after repeatedly attempting ill-advised parkour moves outside Schine Student Center, Jonny Flynn fell to the ground, wincing and holding his foot. Further tests determined it was only a stubbed toe and Flynn will continue to questionably lead the Orange's exceedingly haphazard offensive play.


"Everyone's saying next year, just wait 'til next year, between the experience we're gonna have, Devo and Rautins back and the incoming freshman class, we're gonna be unstoppable," said Flynn. "So I'm sayin'...why not chillax in the meantime?"

Sophomore Paul Harris shares Flynn's sentiments.


"It's unfortunate for Eric [Devendorf] and Andy [Rautins] and it's put the rest of us in a situation where we have to man up, step up our performances and play beyond our abilities if we want any chance of making the NCAA tournament.


"All that for a ten seed? F*** that. Somebody needs to take my ankle the f*** out so I can get my Wii on."


Coach Jim Boeheim was unaware that his athletes were purposefully trying to end their quickly-crumbling season in the hopes of not having to play again until next year. He did say that he probably should have assumed something was up when the only people who showed up for practice Monday afternoon were junior Kristof
Ongenaet, senior Jake Prescutti and senior Ryan Cahak.

Ongenaet was unaware of his teammates' attempts to injure themselves.

"They tell Kristof nothing so Kristof will do what Kristof want to do."

Sophomore Arinze Onuaku did show up briefly but only to jump the rail from the 300 level of the Carrier Dome down to the 200 level, cursing loudly after he safely landed on his feet. He left abruptly.


As of the time of this article, no further ACL injuries had occurred and all active members of the Syracuse roster will still be available to play below expectations against Rutgers on Wednesday.