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Breaking: Paul Harris Needs Mentho-Lyptus

We're at the point with Syracuse basketball where we're forced to eyeball each momentary anomaly with Tom-Brady-boot-like scrutiny. With six active scholarship players and a seven-man rotation, we simple cannot overlook any change in the status quo, no matter how minute.

today's practice for example. Scoop Jardine didn't participate, which we figured. But neither did Paul Harris, who was "sick." Are we talking a case of the sniffles or are we talking Hepetitus C? At this point, we can't take any chances.

If you live within a 30 mile radius of Syracuse University, stop whatever you are doing and start boiling a pot of chicken soup. If you don't know how to make soup or are currently unable to combine water with chicken stock, go to Rite Aid or Wegman's and buy a pack of Halls or some Robitussin (non-drowsy). Then, drive over to Paul's residence and leave it for him on the stoop. If you don't know where Paul lives, drop it off at the athletic department and let DOCTOR Gross know what to do with it. For the love of God do not stick around to check on Paul, he can't spare the energy. This is no time for smalltalk, chit-chat or jibber-jabber. Just walk away, knowing you've done your part to ensure Syracuse will meet the minimum participant requirements in their next basketball game.

Please, do not underestimate
the awesome healing powers of vapor action. Paul, and a grateful Orange Nation, thank you.