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Op-Ed: Hey, Where'd Everybody Go?

What the hell? I turned around for five minutes and all of a sudden everyone's gone. Where did everybody go?

Was it something I said? Did your commemorative Texas Bowl Champions t-shirt rip? I can get you a new one. I know a guy who knows a guy. What are you, an L? Holy crap, seriously? XXL? Jesus man, put down the gabbagoul sandwich.

Okay look, your weight is fine. Just come back, will ya? The season's only halfway over. We're going to a bowl game, I mean it. Maybe not anything as prestigious as the Texas Bowl but we'll be playing sometime in late December. Or early December, at least. Hey, don't knock the Champs Sports Bowl til you've tried it, you know?

Okay fine, we lost to Maryland. National title hopes dashed. Oh well. But we all kinda knew that wasn't gonna happen anyway, right? The Cincinnati loss? Losing our national ranking? Big bummers too. But we've been through worse, haven't we?

Oh, that's right, I forgot, you weren't around for all of that. You missed out on the sixty-point losses to Miami and West Virginia and Syracuse. Bad times indeed. Probably for the best you didn't pay attention to anything we did from the time you were born until 2005.

But you know, Coach Schiano is doing a really tough job and if he doesn't have your support, no matter how superficially, then what's the point? Maybe all this is to you is a chance to rub it in the face of that West Virginia grad who works three cubicles down from you and still won't shut up about the Sugar Bowl two years ago. But not to Greg. He's committed. It'd be nice to see some of that commitment spread around.

No, it's fine. Go. I hear there's room on South Florida's bandwagon. Better go get a good seat before they fill up. We'll still be here when you come crawling back. You know why? Cause we're all you've got left. Your Sunday night Sopranos parties? Done. Your J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets? S-U-C-K Suck Suck Suck. What are you gonna do, head down to the Shore and play some skee-ball? It's October, friend. Boardwalk's closed. Bada-bing, bitch!

Take off that Scarlet Fever T-shirt. You don't deserve to wear it any more. Jesus, have you washed this at all? No??? We gave you this at last year's Louisville game. Good God man, have some self-respect, good luck charm or not. And to think, young New Jersey boys who are still forming their athletics allegiances based upon who their friends root for and the merchandise they see most are looking to you to tell them to be Rutgers fans. You are failing them. And yourself.

We have a saying around here. "R U Ready?" I asked you that question once and you told me you were. I ask you again, today, if its true? R U really Ready? You don't have to answer. I already know. Maybe I'll see you at the Motor City Bowl, maybe I won't. But I'll remember the time we had together and I'll cherish it.

Wait, before you gonna finish that sandwich?